Forbidden

21

I walk inside the house after Jim is taken to the hospital. Joe, Nick and my dad are in the living room with Roger and Thomas, my nephews.

Joe is seated on the floor with them as they play with their dinosaur toys. They are laughing at Joe as he makes silly faces at them.

I feel tears starting to form in my eyes and I have to leave the room. I go out into the kitchen and lean on the counter, fighting back tears.

Seeing Joe with kids was just too much. Of course he's good with them. He'd be a great husband and a great father. Who wouldn't want that life with him?

"Ellie?"

"Hey." I say to Nick, wiping away a stray tear on my face.

"I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am." He says, taking a few more steps into the room.

I shake my head, "You don't have to apologize Nick. I shouldn't have acted the way I did."

"I just haven't had a friend that wasn't my brothers or someone who didn't just want to hang out with me because of my fame. I was just trying to be a good friend to Jim."

"I know Nick."

"And I didn't mean to come between you and Joe. He didn't mean to sound harsh with you. He's just always been protective over me."

I shake my head again, "It doesn't matter anymore Nick."

"What do you mean?"

"I..." I start but Joe walks in. He sees that I'm upset, and he looks from Nick back to me.

"What's going on?" He asks.

I'm not ready to look him in the face and tell him. One looks in those brown eyes and I'll change my mind.

"I was just apologizing to Ellie about the whole situation." Nick says.

"And I said no need for that. I was just upset. We're good." I say, giving Nick a weak smile.

Nick nods and heads back into the living room. Joe stands still, and you could cut the thick air with a knife. Just knowing that there is an awkwardness between us makes me want to burst into tears.

Just last night, we were about to be connected in a way we never have before, and now...

"What's the matter, Ellie? Is it Jim?" Joe asks.

I nod, "Yes, but there's something else."

"What?"

I'm too upset to even think about why he didn't call me El.

I shake my head, "Can we go somewhere private?"

"The gazebo?" He asks.

I think back to just the other day where we had our first kiss right there and I shake my head. I don't want to ruin that memory.

"Let's walk." I say.

"Okay."

We walk side by side in silence down the road. I shove my hands into my pockets and replay over and over in my head what I'm going to say to him.

We reach the same park that we were in this morning looking for Jim and I decide this will do. Nobody is around the bench area, so I take a seat on one of them. Joe hesitates a moment before sitting next to me.

"Talk to me." He says, turning towards me and trying to meet my eyes. But I won't look at him.

"I have to stay here, with my dad." I say.

"What do you mean?"

"He can't take care of the boys and everything on his own. I have to stay until Jim gets better. I have to quit the tour."

There's a long pause, and I force myself to look at him. He looking down at the ground, his face blank. Finally, he snaps out of it as if he just thought of something.

"That's fine. I'll come visit you on every off day."

I shake my head and he looks in my direction. "You of all people know long distance doesn't work."

"It didn't work with Amy. But you and I are different." He says.

"I saw how miserable you were. You need someone that can live your lifestyle, you know that."

"Please don't push me away El. You're just upset, you've been through a lot."

"No Joe, this is what I need to do."

"But El, I..  I.. l"

"Don't." I say, and tears start to fall, "don't say it. It will only make this harder." I say, choking back more tears.

He wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me to him and I cry into his shirt.

I need to be there for my dad, as much as I want to be there with Joe, I'm not going to hold him back like Amy did. That's just not fair to him.

—

Joe hangs out with the boys until it's time for him and Nick to fly back to Mexico.

"Thanks for your help." I say to Nick, giving him a hug.

"Love you Ellie." He says into my hair.

My dad says goodbye to Joe and then to Nick. I hang back until Nick heads out the door, leaving Joe standing awkwardly by himself, unsure of what to do.

I walk over to him and wrap my arms around his torso, holding on tight. He relaxes and wraps his arms around me too, and I have to bite my lip so I don't cry.

We pull apart and I can tell he's trying not to cry, too.

"Goodbye El."

"Goodbye Joe."