Things Left Unsaid

Ch 8 Nothing goes as planned

Hana's POV

That night was just like any other night. Me getting my homework done by around 10, unable to do any revision due to lack of energy, and the undying need for my bed. Illusions of me getting in bed and falling into a blissful and unbreakable sleep, would forever just remain a misconception. A deception. A lie.

I let the blanket consume me. Its warmth wrapping around me until I got into the perfect position. Ready to withdraw from life and all of it's realities, all the things that happened that I wished hadn't and all things that I wished to happen and did. Everything. I rest my eyes and began to relax my body, thinking of tomorrow. A better day, a chance to improve and make the wrongs right. A possibility of attempting my English homework after months of it being untouched. I let myself drift into a peaceful sleep.

Not.

Just as I thought I fell asleep, I didn't. Sleep didn't come to me. I just lay silently on my back contemplating everything that had happened that day, the day before, the week before, a month before and a few summers back. Everything came to me as though I had finally regained lost memories. The only difference is that they weren't lost memories. They were and always have existed there, at the back of my mind. They were a mixture of vague and vivid memories. Old and new. Not only that, some of them I remember as memories, the others I wonder if they're just dreams or hallucinations.

Reality attacked me as viciously as a stray dog, injecting wounds that can't be removed, left to be permanent scars, forever-living viruses spreading through my soul. Unremovable. Undeniable.
As sleep overtook me. Sometimes I wondered if they'll ever leave. If I'll ever be the me I was a couple of years ago. If I'd forever have to hide behind a facade of happiness. All this wasn't new to me. I was used it. The only problem was...

I didn't like it.

I wanted out. I wanted my mind to give me a break, the thoughts to stop circulating my mind. I wanted to relax and sleep. I wanted happiness, I wanted hope, I wanted to be in peace. Peace was all I wanted. Just peace.

I lay in bed pondering over the day when everything began to collapse. The day I never saw coming. After all I had been through, the most I expected was respect for me as a person. No prejudice, judgemental behaviour. No whispering when I turned my back. No bullying. No picking on me. A normal life, like what I had. What most people had. What all the people I knew had managed to have. The life I had before being hospitalised.

I was, however, wrong though. Coming back to school was just as hard as ever. Seeing faces I knew so well, but not as how I remembered. Some of their faces had changed into something that could not be comprehended. I had, that day, seen the other side of people I thought I knew so well. The side they'd hidden so well under layer below layer of skin, flesh and blood. I had finally see it. Who they really are. The side they couldn't hide. The side I had compelled them to reveal, though I wish I hadn't. I really wish I hadn't.

And no.

If you're thinking, 'damn her friends changed fast', they could never have been my friends to begin with. I guess they just needed an opportunity to leave. Everyone does. Those that love, leave due to complications, forced to go. Out of compulsion, they choose to go. For others that love, it's an obligation in which they have no choice, they hold on during tough times and shed tears of sorrow, only to just turn around, wipe them, and move on.

But then again, who am I, an insignificant person within the universe, a small speck staining the earth with it's very existence, to question anyone else's decisions? To make assumptions on what is within their heart? To blame and accuse them of something that has no evidence, no proof of ever existing in the first place. They say you shouldn't hate, yet they throw love around like it's worthless. Do they not know that loving someone effects a person's mental state just as much as hating them does?

Do they not see that if you love someone you're making them feel so secure as much as hating someone makes them insecure? That when loving someone you're giving them as much comfort as when hating someone you make them uncomfortable? That when you love someone, you give them as much fear of you leaving, as when hating someone you give them of you staying? But did you know, that when loving someone you give them as much unexpected attention as when you hate them?
That the person they love takes up as much time in their life mind and heart... as the person that hates them?

Being unaware is acceptable, but denying is complete and utter stupidity. All the things they ignored. The things they had misread. The miscommunications. Sometimes I wished they could see it in my eyes. The feelings that waved throughout me. But through their eyes I could just see black, no remorse, no feelings, no care. Irrespective of their positions. Each person had a part to play that had caused me to be this vulnerable.

I closed my eyes as tears streamed the sides of my face. I could feel my eyes burning, my feelings emitting like heat from my eyes, my lip quivering. I don't know when I fell asleep, somewhere between tears leaving ny eyes, leaving a salty trail, falling onto my pillow with a silence that can only be heard if you tried hard enough.

A silence only I heard.

I tried stabilising my breathing, release all the strong, toxic feelings and thoughts from my body, hoping they'd evacuate as soon as possible, so I could make room for night thoughts in my mind, be it dreams or nightmares. The latter was expected. Finally my mind let sleep envelope me.

Sometimes I wished it was death.