Things Left Unsaid

Ch 9 If you know me, you trust me

Days flew by like minutes and it was finally the day I had been dreading most. December 16th. It was parents evening. The day teachers could input their views about my behaviour, my homework, my classwork and me. It was time where everything the teacher said would be put into consideration. No buts, no ifs. At this point what I said didn't matter; I didn't have much to say anyways I guess.

I waited for my dad to collect me from school, sure that he was unaware of my parent's evening, when I recieved his call, "Hello," I said impatiently, unwilling to stay anywhere near the school zone any longer. "Hello Hana, so today's your parent's evening right? I'll be there in about 5 minutes." Damnit. I was speechless. What could I possibly to avoid this confrontation? There was so many things he didn't know, and I knew it'd be better that way.

"Umm I have a really bad headache. I was wondering if could just go home?" I heard my dad let a breath out, I could hear the determination in his voice when he said, "You're in the final year, let's go. We missed most of yours anyways for all kinds of excuses, and, it's not the first time you coincidentally weren't feeling well when it's your Parent's Evening. Don't think I didn't notice. I'll be there in 2 minutes, wait for me."

He hung up and I felt cold sweat round down my back. I wasn't the perfect daughter that he wished I was. Nope. But my sister was. I noticed how on each of her Parent's Evenings my dad would come home happily. Then once settled, talk about how along with him, alll her teachers so proud of her, known of her capabilities. I see how his eyes light up and his face glows. Sometimes I'm almost jealous but I guess had I worked just as hard I would be in the same position if not better. A straight A student like her.

There wasn't much difference in our behaviour really. There was two main aspects that differentiated between the talks we'd have on the way home. That awful talk which begins as soon as you sit down. Well, for some like me, others like my sister probably loved it. It was well deserved too, all efforts should most definitely be accredited. One was that I talked too much during lessons. The second was that I didn't do my homework, specifically English and Geography.

Well, for starters, according to teachers talking too much meant I had little focus, too much distraction, not enough motivation, unable to keep my tongue on a leash. Unaware of when what is convenient, and know what to prioritise, no self restraint at all. Of course me saying I can multi task was just a lame attempt of an excuse, which was completely invalid considering me, if not my dad too, knew I could never multi task in my dreams. Reality was a far reach.

And no homework obviously meant I had no concern over my subject exams, more specifically English Literature and Geography. It was obviously a concern considering I obviously had no other practise for these exams and no determination to get into a good college with my grades. I was useless in some terms and in others I was just lazy, unpredictable and had no worries about all the important stuff. Obviously.

As the very eventful evening came to an end, I sat in the car passenger seat, waiting to be questioned or lectured on the things he was unaware about and things I'd hidden. There's so many things I hide, I thought they'd notice. Or atleast be used to it by now.

"So.." my dad started as we began to drive away from the school building. I played with my fingers as I looked down at them, fidgeting, as my leg went up and down in motion, probably causing annoyance to him, although he never said that. Damn I was so nervous. I brought my finger to my mouth to bite my nail, first response of nervousness of course.

My dad slapped my hand away from my mouth as I quickly pulled my sleeves down to cover my hand. "Nails be dirty, there's so many germs at the tip of a finger. A person does everything with their hands so don't put it in your mouth, you'll get sick." Awwww that's so sweet. But I'd never say it out loud, just in my head.

"So you're on report huh?" He said glancing at me as he drives. I was looking down at my hands as I gave him a silent nod. He believed everything happened for a reason. If I was put on report it must've been that I've done something. After all which teacher at an all girls faith school would pick on a child for no apparent or an uncontrollable reason? Mine.

"Well.. yea" I started. I couldn't find the words to form how I'd felt, what was running through my mind as I had a gut feeling they were all against me. I just knew it. I was judged and I didn't want to be. I wasn't good enough and it wasn't my fault. There was nothing I could do to fix this... and nothing I could've done to prevent this from happening.. it's all because of what happened before I went to hospital, it was all a conspiracy. No one could see it but me. They were coming for me and I had no way out. It's just me... and me. No one would believe me otherwise. No one.

"I don't really know why, I promise I didn't mean to and you know I tri-" My words rabbled over eachother as my dad grabbed my hand and looked at me, "shush.. shush listen I trust you. I believe you, I'm sure it wasn't something that you could prevent nor stop, and about your English and Geography teachers." He looked at me with a hard eye. I couldn't bear it so I quickly turned to the window.

"I'm not telling your mum or your sister. It's between me and you, I know you can fix this and that you'll do well in your GCSEs in both these subjects at the end." I whished my head back towards him as I watched him give me a small laugh. He did it for me. Pity? No. Genuine? Yes. However, there was something about it. As though it wasn't as the one I've seen given to anyone before. No eyes brightening and no face glowing. It wasn't a proud smile, it was a trusting smile. A smile that said, "I trust you, I know you can fix this."

We both relaxed into our seats as I closed my eyes as we neared our home. I can fix this. I will fix this. I know I can. I'll make him proud of me, that smile is my goal now. I'll do it. I know I will.

But did I deserve that smile.. that amount of faith? I guess we'll just have to find out.

Wait

And

See.