Hana's POV
As I walked on the outskirts of the playground to room 30, I let my eyes set on my surroundings. There was nothing 'play' to our ground. It was completely bare, grey concrete with a few strips of green artificial grass. I couldn't help but cringe.
After being a Year 6 kid who loved playing basketball on the court and cricket on the field, this was definitely a nightmare. Good job for making it through. The only things adorning the ground was litter, hijab pins and birds. I don't what's weirder, hijab pins or the birds. I guess both had their own reasons though.
Coming from an all muslim girls highschool, where each student wore a scarf, pins everywhere was a norm, if you lost yours, all you had to do was ask the office or the Head Girl, Amani. Simple.
And the vast amount of pigeons and crows was because of people leaving bread crusts on the ground and benches for birds instead of wasting food by throwing it in the bin. Maybe both things aren't so weird after all. Maybe I'm just weird. Wait. I already knew that.
It felt like I'd been walking forever when I finally reached room 30. Hana I swear you've aged, it feels like I've been walking for eternity, all I'm waiting for now are people around here that I don't recognise.
I slowly opened the door, seeing the teacher turn her head towards me, amidst teaching. All eyes were on me now. I wish I could get everyone to avert them. Ugh I hate being the centre of attention like this man, but the one thing I have above them was that I'm the oldest!... what are you on man, you're not with your family or in year 2, so who even cares? Apart from me obviously.
"Hi miss.. um I wanted to ask if I could get 20 yellow exercise books." I smiled cheerfully, "Sure Hana. Everyone this is Hana, I taught her only once but when I see her around school she's always smiling, her smile lights up a room, honestly." I watched everyone look right at me, feeling a sense of awkwardness, knowing I'd see most of them in other classes, but I must say she's one of my favourite teachers. Mainly because she didnt treat me any different.
"Thanks miss... where can I find the books?" I questioned looking at all the drawers situated around the room. She pushed up her glasses on the bridge of her nose so it was almost touching her fringe. She peered over her glasses looking at a cupboard near the back, "there should be some over there, if not, we may have run out, so I'll give you some green ones." She said pointing at it. Green ones? But we have green for geography, and two green ones will just result in me doing the wrong work in the wrong book... please be yellow books please..
I opened the cupboard to find a stack of yellow books enclosed neatly in transparent plastic. I let out a breath of relief as I lifted them with a triumphant smile. Daaaammnn 20 books are heavy, I dont know why I thought this would be easy. Oh, because my ego told me so.
"Found them? Great.. do you need help with that Hana, you seem to be struggling," she said smiling at me. The way her eyes squinted and cheeks lifted when she smiled, revealed the crows feet at the end of her eyes. I smiled back at her with enthusiasm. A genuine smile. A real, genuine one.
"No thank you miss, I'm good," I said lifting my right leg to the bottom of the books I was carrying for support as I opened the door. Sometimes I don't understand how people can make this look so effortless.. like, I feel like these packaged books are about to slip out of arms any minute onto the floor just to create a scene for everyone to watch. Another reason for people to talk about you Hana! Well done!
I like to tell myself I'm not self-conscious, I'm not shy, I don't get embarrassed, I don't fear anyone, I don't care what people think about me and, most importantly, I'm not a people-pleaser. But to be honest, I don't know how much of it is true, because at times all these things matter. I worry if everyone's talking or laughing about how I answered a question wrong in that geography lesson. All of it matters. All I can do is lie to myself. Make myself believe it, even when I know it's not true, because it's not.
And all of this eats me up inside. When I mess up I can continue whatever it was I was doing, as though it didnt affect me, as though it doesn't matter to me, as though I'm strong enough to accept my mistake and move past it... but I'm not. I'm really not. Inside I'm stressing, freaking out, wondering how many pairs of eyes are on me as I stare down at my textbook, because at the end of the day my self-image, self-esteem and self-consciousness is so important to me. I just want to be perfect. The perfect older sister, classmate, friend, prefect and role model.
And it shouldn't be that way. And I know it shouldn't. I guess I just want to be looked up by someone, be appreciated, loved and cared for. I already have a family that loves me, no matter how imperfect I am but I guess it's not enough. I wonder if that makes me selfish or lonely, but it most certainly doesn't make me happy.
All I know is that everyone should like me and think well of me, I can't let anyone in, I have to build up my walls, tape up the cracks, and block any holes so I don't fall and crumble. I have to be strong. Strong in the sense that no one can break me. Strong enough that no one has a complaint against me, and strong so that no one knows me. The real me. The one behind the walls I build around myself. The girl who's sitting alone, broken and sad. The one with negative thoughts always circulating her mind. Round and round like a merry go round. Spinning in my mind.
Endlessly.
YOU ARE READING
Things Left Unsaid
Storie d'amore"I thought you know though, you always do, why are you doing this?" She said as she cradled her face in her hands, shaking, "Is it even necessary?" "I could ask you the same question. Was it necessary? Why can't you just tell me the way I tell you...
