Cigarettes and Alcohol

American Spirit

After feeling a bit more awake, I helped Kurt put Frances in her room for a nap. He gave me a slice of toast to eat which I was grateful for, I don't think I ever feel fully awake before some food and a cigarette. Speaking of, I rummaged around in my pockets for my cigarettes and lighter, of which I only found an empty box. Seeing me distressed at my lack of smokes, Kurt offered me one of his.

"American spirits, my favourite." I said as I walked toward the kitchen door. He got up to join me, and from the look on his face he seemed mildly surprised that I was going outside. I guess a certain woman tended to smoke indoors. He pulled out a cigarette and I handed him my lighter. He waved me over to a bench on the other side of the house, facing towards the view of Seattle.

We sat there quietly for a few moments. I was smoking with Kurt Cobain like that was a normal thing to do. Thinking back on the night before, back when I was in England, I remembered what John had said before I arrived here.

"My friend says cheers for the great music, by the way."

He looked at me questioningly for a moment before I explained,

"John and I made a deal that if we ever met our musical heroes we would say thanks on their behalf. I also say thanks of course."

"You're a fan, then?" He gained a slightly more untrustworthy disposition again. Maybe he was suspicious I lied about my story so I could gain his favour, so I quickly said,

"Everything I said before was true, I really don't know how I got here. I swear. I can't believe of all the people in Seattle to wake up to it would be you, you're honestly like, my absolute hero. Your music speaks to me in a way nothing ever has. It means so much to me and it is absolutely mind blowing that I somehow ended my three day bender in your house. Very, very, lucky chance I guess."

"I'm glad you actually like the music then. Most girls who come to the shows just want to have sex with me and tell their friends they slept with a rockstar. Being married didn't ward them off the way I'd hoped, it seems to only make them want me more. Most of them can't stand my songs."

"Well, I'm a fan of you as an artist. I never got a chance to see you live back in England and that was always torture for me. I'd die to be able to witness the artistry of Nirvana in the flesh."

He made a small noise of acknowledgement before taking another drag from his cigarette.

Perhaps I had died, and my wish had come true that I could see Nirvana. I'd have to stop him dying first though. If that's not some kind of fixed point in time or something. I bloody well hope not, this might as well be hell if I can't save him. maybe it is.

I looked out to the view of Seattle, which was quite the sight to behold. Reminds me a bit of the view from the parks in London that have hills.

"It's so quiet. You wouldn't expect that considering the city is so close."

Saying that seemed to break him out of his thoughts.

"That was a big part of why I wanted to live here, it's private and difficult to get to without knowing the way. Courtney wanted something bigger and more extravagant, closer to the main city but we compromised with this."

After saying that, he stubbed out his cigarette in the ashtray and rubbed his face with his hands, sighing.

"You alright?"

He exhaled heavily again, running his hands through his hair. His absolutely stunning, legendary hair. Looks soft too. Anyway, let's not get distracted pining over a married man ten years older than me.

"Yeah, I just," He paused, probably contemplating whether or not to tell me,

"I don't know what to do about Courtney. I used to be absolutely absolutely in love with her and I had been since I met her, but recently she's just been distant. She only acts like she used to with me when we're in public, and even then sometimes she just," He gestures back to earlier.

"She's just different now. Not to mention she's constantly hanging off Billy's arm, and it's like she's doing it on purpose just to make me look bad or upset me. I miss her and how she used to be, and it's like she doesn't care about Frances anymore, she's just moved onto another guy and she's only with me for appearances."

He asked for my lighter and lit another cigarette before saying,

"I just miss her. And how it used to be. A lot."

What I wanted to say was, Kurt she's using you, she's completely insane and manipulative and is totally either gonna manipulate you into killing yourself or have someone hired to kill you and make it look like a suicide. Instead what I said was,

"I'm sorry Kurt. I know how it feels for someone to fall out of love with you."

Totally a lie.

"And I know it's not my place to say, but that doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship for you to be in or a healthy person for Frances to be around, if she doesn't seem to care about her like you said."

He turned to me and looked me dead in the eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes that I've seen so many times in photos. God Effy, not the time to get distracted.

"Should I get a divorce?"