we were lounging in my room and i guess i was preoccupied trying to do something else, not looking at you, when you spoke up.
“what’s that?” you asked suddenly as your eyes were holding attention to something. i looked to where you looked and noticed the cover of a journal.
a journal that was filled with eighty-six entries of nothing but sadness and hope. and it was all for you.
“nothing,” i dismissed quickly, standing up. “just some stupid art proj—jasper!”
my eyes widened in fear as you held it in your hands. your eyes roamed the front cover and you delicately opened it and my heart sunk to my feet.
“please don’t read it,” i whispered, defeated. you were someplace else as your eyes scanned pages and your fingers turned them with so much caution that it was like the paper was made of feathers.
everything was silent and suddenly i was tearing up and my face was probably the brightest shade of red and i bit my lip. tears were sprawling down my face and you didn’t look up. your eyes stayed on the words that made me hold on. those words were the darkest moments of our friendship and my life and you’re reading them without warning.
you’re hardly blinking and it looks like you're absorbing each letter, each word, and i sniff loudly. you glance up towards me and your eyes are wide as you see the tears streak across my cheeks.
“i’ll stop,” you say quietly, laying the journal face down and clearing your throat. you look away and my heart is racing as you say nothing and i want you to say something.
“i—“
“i’m going to go get some tea. do you want some, too?” you ask abruptly, cutting me off. your question catches me off guard and i end up nodding and you’re out the door in a matter of seconds.
i stare at the journal and grab it.
entry twenty-one.
i squeeze my eyes shut and breathe out a shaky breath.
i love you.
grabbing my hair in fistfuls, i feel like screaming.
and it scares me, because i don’t think i love you in a friend way anymore.
i rip the page out and crumble it in a ball, throwing it across the room. i grab the journal lazily and throw it under my bed.
you saw it.
and you didn’t say it back.
