valerie’s p.o.v.
leaving the hospital that day, i couldn’t wait to have been home. the white walls were hell and the silence was scorching. so, i walked to my room that i was so happy to be in and out of instinct, i grab the journal that means the most to me and look through it quickly. i uncap my pen and scribble my thoughts on the very last page and some words smear from the wet ink, but it’s okay. i bite my lip to stop myself from crying, to stop from more future smearing. my handwriting comes out half print and half cursive because of the rush.
but it’s legible to read.
and that’s all that matters.
i put the cap back on the pen and hang my head, throwing the pen at the wall. what am i going to do when he’s gone? will he ever call me? will i ever call him? i sigh loudly and my mom wheels herself in my room.
“how’s your bandage?” she asks. i look up at her and i go to touch my stomach.
“it’s fine,” i say, taking my fingers away from the bandaged wound. “i changed it like an hour ago.”
she nods and smiles at me. “i’m proud of you.”
“for what?” i ask, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear.
“for being brave and accepting.”
“i have to,” i say quietly. “it’s a cruel world that’ll eat you alive if you don’t keep up.”
“you’re so deep lately… are you okay?”
i shrug lightly. “i’m trying to be, you know?”
she looks around the room and looks at me. “there’s a letter in the kitchen from your college. they miss you.”
“i don’t go back until next month.”
“have you started to pack?”
“it’s a whole month away, mom. not yet.”
“i see…” she trails off quietly. “i, um… just wanted to say sorry for the whole jasper ordeal.”
“it was going to happen anyways. i was going to lose him again.”
“you don’t have to say that…”
“but i do,” i say, looking down at my feet. “it’s the truth, anyways.”
“you’ll survive, baby. i know you can. ”
“thanks,” i whisper, but it’s not a compliment. “um… do you know what day he-he, uh, leaves?”
she nods sadly and starts to wheel out the room. “they either said tomorrow or the next day,” she says quietly and it’s terrifying. “call me if you need me. i’ll be down in the kitchen.”
when she leaves, my eyes tear up and i look up to not let the tears fall. i blink away the blurriness and i notice the stars on my ceiling. they’re not on and i go to turn them on, and when i do, they’re beautiful. the lights that were once dim are now full of light and i don’t know how and i don’t know why.
it reminds me of when jasper told me to get them. and i did. i’m going to miss these when i leave, but i’ll forever keep them here when i go back to college.
like a little reminder.
so, i smile. it’s a watery one, but it’s a smile. i smile in hope for a clean slate, too.
