Letters to My Love

the other shoe

To my love,
It's been a weekend, it feels like it had been months long. To be fair, most of it I wanted to spend with you. I mean, waking up in the morning, I just want to wake up with you. I want to have cuddled through a night, and woken to you there. I want to drag you back into bed on an early morning, say it's too early, even though we have an hour to get to class. Still, I want that.

Over this weekend one thing has come to light- that I've now got something to lose. In the past, I moved around, changed a lot, and created some "version" of myself that worked best. I stopped trying to get too close to people, and I would bet on the idea I'd lose them soon enough. I tried to keep the window very closed on friendship, on relationships, on anything. And it worked. For a long time, most of my life, I maybe had one or two reasons why it would be sad to leave. One would be my room, sure I hate it, but it's mine, all mine. Sometimes, I feel people don't realize the significance of that, but it was the first time in many years that I would have my own space. The second would be my best friend. We're the friends everyone thinks are dating, we're the friends who got mistaken for siblings by people who knew us for over a year. Even with her, I knew that we'd be friends for, forever. I mean, she's trying to be okay now with the fact I'm dating someone of the same gender/sex. But, now, I realize, I have so much to lose. I have you, I have our friends. There's been a life built here, and no matter how much I want to run away from all this, I want to take the good bits with me. I want to pull you into the grand plan, to move, to change my name, to become someone else, and have that someone else be really, truly me. But, you like your family, you want to stay. So, I want to stay.

Life has been eerily good too. Nothing major has happened, other than that one moment through December, but apart from that, life's been pretty good. I mean, look at this- I actually have a long- term boyfriend, and we're getting so close to the one year mark it's scary. I have groups of people now, I'm not the same boy who spent the first day of school sitting around a trash can because in my efforts to make friends I felt too awkward and left. I'm not the same person who would watch you for years out of the corner of my eye and never say anything to you, no matter how desperately I wanted to. (I'll be honest with you, since I first saw you I really wanted to talk, become friends, all of that, but I never could. I mean, I didn't ever talk to Leo until I was kinda forced to, so, I wouldn't have ever if it wasn't when it happened) I'm not the same kid who was in love with someone who never loved him back. Still, there's so much, good. Finally, the world is melting away, and it's becoming, comfortable. Then, that's the problem. Comfort is always the problem. I can never take something good, and believe it's good.

I've learned from a young age that good things don't last. And if they do, there's always a catch. At first it would seem great that your step sister offers you a place to live while you're looking for a job to support yourself, but of course that spot is a broom closet. Or, you've made a friend in kindergarten, and you're starting to really get along, but you have to move to a different state now. Maybe it's just, you're alive and trying to help a friend, but that means you could be kidnapped at any given moment. While some people's lives are, monotamous, my life has been like a deck of cards being put together by someone who had frequent shakes. It is messy, and unclear, unknown. There's no real, sense to it, no pattern, no clue for what could come next. I've spent my life being scarred from the last show dropped, and getting comfortable rather than ready for the next one. Eventually I learned, but now, I'm scared to beg the question of what else could be next?

Life is good, life is perfect in the most imperfect way. While I have so much I'm scared to lose, in actually scared to lose it. I sit down and want to stay with you, see my families, keep being every parents favorite something. I want to keep living up here, for once in my life I want to keep it. It's a sad life, being ready for anyone to leave you, being ready for everyone to leave you. I mean, I've spent so much of my life scared for what's next, but all I want for next, is you. You, happy. Maybe this should be been called heart change, or a different priority, but still. Can you be the other shoe to drop? Can the next shoe be something good? Can our lives become comfy and, normal? Have fights, make up, and live like normal people do. Can we be that?
sincerely~
me