Captive{ated}

Thirty-Four: Goodbye

It came to a head out of the blue. Suddenly, no matter how much I told myself I was okay, and no matter how I forced a smile, all my resolve broke.

I don't know how long it took to actually happen. The days blended together, the weeks even more so. All I knew was that one day after class, I took a detour. It was out of body experience as my legs moved on their own. When I came back to, I stood before the fence.

The birds chirped, and the breeze was light. I stared at the chain links like I had many times before but never with so much intent. I supposed I could scale it and grit my teeth going over the barb wire. It'd only hurt for a moment or two, right? Maybe I could find a weakness at the bottom, dig a small hole beneath it, and squeeze through. There had to be some way around it.

Then there was the other problem: we were in the middle of nowhere. Trees were all I could see, and who knew how far they continued before civilization. Also, which direction was the nearest town? Antsy, I picked at my fingertips. I could do it, I could do it, I could do it.

"Ms. Evelyn?" A small voice asked.

My whole body jumped. I couldn't do it! Even one of my young students saying hello was enough to scare me away.

I returned home like a dog with my tail between my legs. It was hopeless.

I was hopeless.

It was already late in the day when I walked through the door, Joy greeting me by jumping up on me. The scent of dinner invaded my senses, my empty stomach suddenly making its presence known. It smelled amazing.

The table was adorned in a tablecloth. Our plates were already set. One plate held a pile of chocolate chip cookies along with other side dishes. I saw many of my favorites. It was all very special, but I felt nothing.

Nothing at all.

God, how I wanted to feel something.

You must've heard Joy's excitement upon seeing me since you peeked from the kitchen, your eyes lighting up. Like a nervous schoolboy, you approached me with a bouquet of flowers from the garden. Offering the flowers to me, you prompted, "I thought an evening between just the two of us was long overdue."

The romance in the air was suffocating.

"They're pretty," I replied dully. Stiffly, I accepted the flowers and held them at my side. It'd only be a couple days until they were dead and withered. I didn't comment on the smell nor the table set up. Looking down at my feet, I said, "I don't feel very good."

If I were looking at you, and I bet I would've seen your entire demeanor fall, "Oh?"

I was not a fan of this set up. We hadn't been intimate let alone kissed since the ritual. It didn't take a genius to see what your end game was here. You were trying to restart the cycle again of me falling into your arms only for you to step aside and let me crash to the ground. I learned my lesson, though, and I was afraid that if it happened again, I wouldn't get back up. "I think I should lay down."

"You're not hungry?" You tried to tempt me.

Truth be told, I was starving. "Not right now." I walked past you.

"Are you okay?"

I didn't answer.

You grabbed my arm, "Wait."

I glared it your hand, "Please, let go of me." Though it wasn't a request.

You did as I asked, but I could still feel your eyes on me as I walked up the stairs. My hands trembled so I closed them into fists. Rather than seeing this as me trying to get a grip of myself, I imagine you saw this as a declaration of anger. That was far from the truth.