Captive{ated}

Forty-One: Little Secret

A few hours after I arrived at the police station on the day I was saved, I sat in a hospital room. Since I was gone for just over two years, they wanted to do a check up on me to make sure everything was okay. I had a physical and blood work done. Luckily, I didn't have a concussion like I feared Bowden gave me. Scratches, bruises, and blistered feet were the extent of my injuries.

As I waited in the room, I was nervous. My family hadn't yet arrived, but I didn't want to be alone. Two years was a long time without seeing a doctor. My worst fear was that now I was free, something else would be wrong with me. When the doctor came in and smiled at me, however, I felt all that anxiety melt away. "Your numbers all came back looking great. In fact, it looks like you've gained a little weight from your last visit a couple years ago."

I laughed, "That's a relief. I'm sure that once my mom gets a hold of me, I'll gain some more, too."

She laughed then, but it died off much too soon. When she sat down in the chair beside me, I knew I was in for more news. News that perhaps wouldn't be as good. "There is another test I need to discuss with you."

"Is everything okay?"

"You're okay, yes. I guess I'm not sure how you'll feel about the news, or if you know," she started. "Miss Adams, are you aware you're pregnant?"

When those words slipped from her lips, the world stopped. My ears pounded with a sheer terror I never felt before. I waited a few moments too long before answering, hoping the doctor would tell me she was joking. "I was told that with my condition, it's be impossible to conceive naturally," I answered, not portraying a bit of emotion. On the outside, I appeared calm, but on the inside, my body was rioting.

"Hard, but not impossible," the doctor corrected. "Based on your hormone levels, it appears that you're about a month into your pregnancy."

I tried to think of how I could disprove her, but when I thought about it, the timeline made sense. The only time you and I had sex recently was about a month ago on the night I tried to leave you. Other minor details fell into place, too. My irritability and mood swings, exhaustion, and slight nausea, all of which I wrote off as being stress induced.

As I thought, I became dizzy, lightheaded. I didn't even realize my hand found its way to my stomach. It was still so flat you'd never know. "I-I had a glass of wine last night. Will that hurt it?"

"No," the doctor assured. "A glass of wine won't hurt. Now, since you're so early into your pregnancy, you have options. I like to make these known to women of your circumstances."

"My circumstances?" I asked. Her look of sympathy told me all I needed to know. "Oh no," I denied, not wanting her to get the wrong idea of you. "I was never raped or forced to do anything like that that," I thought back to our relationship, our intimacy, and how you always asked or let me lead the way. "It was always my choice."

She sighed, "That's good to hear. It's a relief actually." Still, I could acknowledge that my situation was far from normal. "I know this is a lot take in right now, so we're just going to talk about your options."

I stopped her before she could go any further, knowing exactly where this conversation was going. "No abortion," I said, my hand still firm on my stomach. "I've seen enough death already. I'm not going to be responsible for one more." It wasn't that I was against abortion, but I knew it wasn't right for me. While some may say that there was no life growing in me, in my mind, there was. I never judged anyone for their decision, and I hoped that no one would judge me for mine. "Adoption, though," I thought aloud, "I like that."

The doctor assured me I didn't have to make a decision yet, but I was adamant. I knew what I wanted. I felt a strange sense of protection of the baby growing inside of me, but I knew that stemmed from all I went through. Did I want a baby? Not at this time. Was I stable enough to raise a child? Absolutely not. Still, I'd take my pre-natal vitamins, avoid certain types of fish, and have all my normal check ups. That was the least I could do for the child I tried to convince myself I didn't want.