It was around 2am by the time my friends had drunk themselves into blackouts and I was sitting on the couch alone, sipping a glass of cool water in an attempt to fend off the hangover in the morning. We had all eaten-Ashley had been disgusted by Josh eating raw meat but the guys just acted impressed-and then we had drank into the night as we enjoyed each others company.
I heard someone get up and looked to the direction of the door, watching Josh wander through and flop down onto the couch next to me.
"Have you had a good evening?" I asked and he smiled.
"Yeah, it's been so great to see the others."
"I told you It'd be okay."
"Yeah I know you did... maybe I should listen to you more often."
"I think that's a smart idea," I grinned and we both chuckled. "Chris and Ashley are sweet together aren't they?"
"Of course they are, I always knew they would be. Chris wouldn't listen but I could tell he was head over heels for her."
"Yeah it was pretty obvious."
"It always is to other people."
"I guess."
An awkward silence loomed and I sighed, "you know... while we're on the subject... why didn't you tell me how you felt before? About me? I mean we talked all the time, I thought we were on the same page... I thought it meant something..."
"It did," he took my hands, "does mean something. I didn't want you to have to deal with all the shit I was going through. It was bad enough on my parents... I didn't want to bring you into that."
"Maybe if I'd known then I could have helped."
"No one could... I'm sorry but it would have made you miserable... if you knew how bad it was... you'd understand."
"I... saw your records... from before Hannah and Beth died... They were in the basement of the lodge. I saw the different doctors and all the different meds they gave you... all the side effects and notes. I'm sorry I looked but I thought you were dead, I didn't realise that it was you in the mask..."
"Its okay, you didn't know. It serves me right for being a dick. But if you saw all that then you know what I was going through and how rough it would have been on you if you were close to it all. I didn't want that for you."
"But-"
"And not just for you... but I think it helped me being able to speak to you when you didn't think I was a huge fuck up."
"I would never have thought that."
He shrugged, "doesn't matter anymore."
I cocked my head, "of course it does."
It might have been the effect of the alcohol but I leaned in a little, wanting more than anything to kiss him after hearing what he had to say, but he quickly backed away.
"I... don't want you to do that..."
I blinked, slouching back in embarrassment and shook my head, "I'm... sorry, I didn't mean-"
"No, I mean I don't want you kissing me... like this..." he gestured briefly to his face and I noticed that he looked more embarrassed than I was.
"I don't care about that."
"I do. I don't want you to have to be anywhere near this, let alone kissing it. I... don't want you to feel bad for me or feel like you have to-"
"Don't be ridiculous," I frowned, "it's a little insulting that you think I would act like that out of pity... I thought you knew me better than that, Josh."
"I do know you... it's just... I don't think I can do that."
"Do you think your face will change back?"
He looked at his lap, "no."
"Then you'd better hurry up and get used to it. You can't stop doing things you want because you're worried about how you look."
He looked amused, "you're perfect, Sam... you know that? And if you're with me..." he sighed, "do you know how inferior I already felt standing next to you? Can you imagine how much worse it would be?"
"You're being silly-"
"I'm really not. Look at me."
"I am," I insisted, "I just don't think you're looking at me. Do I look like I'm joking? Or pretending?"
He was quiet and I gripped his hand, "because I'm not."
"Its just too fucked up."
"Depends on your outlook."
He scoffed, "right..."
"Josh... until a few weeks ago I thought you were dead. You are basically my best friend and I can't tell you how much I care for you, and I had to sit through your funeral... and now I've found you alive. There are things I wished I'd said and done and I'm damned if I'm going to make the same mistake twice."
I rested my forehead on his and he closed his eyes, not wanting to see my reaction at being so close to his face.
"Open your eyes."
"I don't want to."
"Josh. Please."
He did as I asked and his milky eyes met mine.
"I won't make the same mistake twice."
He spoke quietly, "but I'm-"
"You're Josh; that's what you are. You're the man I want to be with. You're the man I've always wanted to be with."
I slowly moved in closer, my hands gripping his and our noses touching, before pressing my lips against his. The right side of his mouth was perfectly normal and so I made sure I stayed that side. He kissed me back, something I thought he wouldn't do, and I pulled back to look at him.
"Was that so bad?"
His eyes scanned mine for signs that I was repulsed but I just wasn't. My heart was pounding and I wished he knew how much I really didn't mind how he looked.
Maybe he did notice because it was him who leaned in this time and kissed me softly.
