Awkward, Unrequited, Superficial, Toxic, Real Love.

36

Love.
It's such a displacement
word often over used for
all the wrong reasons.
I spoke those words to
only two idiots before you.
Little did I know I had lied.
You ever hear the saying,
"When you do meet 'the one'
they will show you why it never
worked out before," well, they
were right. You are the one guy
who was perfect from the start.
I found myself liking you
a little more and liking
my boyfriend a little less.
I, who was a mess, between
watching my brother die, feeling
this consistent wedge build
up in my heart, I felt like I was
about to explode.
And, I did.
I cheated.
Never told him.
You had a girlfriend, or so I heard.
Life went on.
I met a stranger who showed me the difference
between love and lust;
between blind lust and inexcusable hate.
I mourned my own choices
and feelings, be it real or imagined.
Then, I met you again.
This time there were no strings
or wires attaching my brain or heart
to anything or anyone except my love of poetry.
You surprised me by showing up
to hear me speak of a time in my life
I am thankful for and wish I could forget.
You agreed with the old man who told me I was beautiful and that you're an idiot
for not being my boyfriend.
Being your girlfriend, this relationship
we share, it's different to me.
It's been only two months;
but, in two months,
I was already half-convinced
my previous relationships were doomed.
For the first time in my life,
I have this small fear that I am
giving you, the first guy, the power
to truly Crush my heart
or to keep it eternally safe.
Truth is; it has never truly broken
before, cracked, maybe; bruised?
Yes.
36.
That's the number of times
I've thought to myself in silence,
I think I might really be falling in love
with this man." And then I tell myself
it's too soon.
Wait it out.
The feeling may pass.
I'm starting to believe this is it.
I'm in love.
And I feel the happiest I've felt in years.
I never want this feeling to go away.
I'm in love and that's that.