Evan frowned as he tossed and turned in his bed, just as he had been all morning. His eyes wouldn't stop drooping, his covers smothered him and to top it all off, the sun stung his eyes from the small bit the curtain had failed to cover. He laid there with his arms wrapped around a pillow and his legs curled up.
It was a useless cause. He kept laying there and staring. Staring at the walls and at his plants. At his alarm clock and at his computer. His eyes drifted from place to place, no motivation to get up, but sleep had refused to come to him too. Evans eyes stung once again-but the Sun had little blame in this instance.
The tears, however, also refused to flow. Just as every other part of Evan refused to listen or do it's job. They only stayed welled up in his eyes-Evan oughta fire them. Though-it was partly his fault too. He put no effort into letting his emotions out. If they stayed locked in or bottled up-whatever term you felt the need to use, then that was a problem for another day. Right now, it didn't matter. Nothing did.
He didn't feel the need to think of any insults about himself for not having the motivation to get out of bed or even to grab his phone. He just laid there. In the comfort of his soft bed, without any thoughts or emotions. It's lonely, of course. It feels unreal. Like he was floating out of his body. Watching as his body lay in bed for hours and hours, if he didn't know any better, he could've said that he had passed away in his sleep.
What an odd concept that was. To pass away in your sleep. Evan never really thought he'd make it that far. He figured the world would get to him first. Hunger, being homeless, war, suicide. Something. He never saw himself living to a ripe old age. And he'd be lying (again) if he said that thought didn't make his stomach pool up with the torture that's called anxiety.
He jumps at the sudden sound-a Christmas song. One he didn't even like that much. And-its literally the middle of April. To be fair, Jared had convinced him to change it around Christmas. He even said he'd let Evan pick a song for his ringtone too, though Evans choice wasn't as cruel. He couldn't really remember what he made Jared as his ringtone. He did remember the little smiles he got every time he heard it and Jared rushed to answer it, though. I wonder if Jared remembered that too?
God-Even though right now, he happens to be filled with the unending bliss that is loneliness, Evan truly was grateful no one called him most the time. Save for his mom and occasionally Jared. There was the fact he hated phone calls yes-I mean, he could feel his stomach drop and his heart start to race. He could feel the sweat forming on his hands and his words getting lost on his tongue before he even had the chance to think about saying them.
Evan was mainly grateful no one called because of this exact ringtone. I mean, what if his phone had gone off during class? And everyone wouldn't judged him for having a unpopular Christmas song as his ringtone in the middle of April. They all would've stared and people would've snickered and he would've had to go to the bathroom and try his best not to be sent into another panic attack.
But to Evans relief, not even his overthinking could give him a spark of anxiety today. Better to feel nothing than to constantly be in pain isn't it? That's the point of painkillers. Or going under anesthesia. Or whatever else they do before surgery. It didn't matter. Again, nothing did. Not right now. Evans mind refused to let him feel any emotions at the moment. Good old depression.
He rolled over and reached over for his phone, his hand smacking the desk a couple times before finally feeling his small old phone. It had a few cracks in it-but Evan never minded. He picked it up and called back the only person who ever really called him. Besides his mom, that is. She hasn't been calling as frequently either though.
