If you ever asked Evan, he would say that sadness is his most basic and common emotion. But he would also tell you he didn't mind for several reasons. It was pure. And it was something everyone felt. A way to connect everyone. And though sadness was painful and a lot of the time harmful to extreme extents, Evan wouldn't trade it for the world.
But right now he isn't sad. He's angry. He's angry and he's jealous and he's..well, hurt. There's an ache in his chest that drowns out the anger. Another beauty to sadness, he guesses.
Evan knows he can't control what he feels. Evan knows this better than anyone on this god forsaken Earth. And yet there's a pit of guilt, swirling and mixing with the sadness. It would make a pretty teal color if he was dealing with paint. Or turquoise. Yet the pit in his stomach didn't feel as pretty as those colors did.
The air is crisp and the night is calm. There's no noise, not even from the bugs or the cars. Just people sleeping. People tossing and turning. People staring and thinking and comprehending all that's happened. There's people silently letting their emotions free in the privacy of their room and their covers. The world is once again connected by the one thing we all grow to share.
Evan misses Jared. He misses Jared a lot. He misses when he'd get out of bed because his thoughts were swarming and jabbing, and Jared's footsteps would be right behind him. He said that his body couldn't sleep without something to hold close. Evan had suggested a pillow many times-his remorse mixing with every suggestion.
Jared had declined each one. He said he preferred Evans body pressed against his holding on just as tight. Strange, how we need comfort in every hour of the day. Even with our minds turned off-our body needs it close. Not even when our minds take breaks are we disconnected from this world.
The blankets hold onto Evan as tightly as they can. Curled around his shoulders and softly begging to be of some comfort. His tea has gotten cold and gross and honestly, he needs to dump it out already. Which bothers him because it's a waste of tea and water but, a lot of things are bothering Evan tonight.
Things like knowing he needs to be in bed right now. Things like he knows their bills are stacking up. Things like Jared wasn't home yet and he needed more comfort than this apartment was willing to give by itself.
He trusted Jared with all his heart. Even with all his insecurities- he never doubted even for a moment that Jared would be off with some better looking happier guy while pretending to work. Jared constantly showered him with affection and loving words (whenever he was around) and Evan could barely leave to go piss without Jared being attached to him.
Evan knew that he would be a fool if he didn't trust that Jared adored him. He'd have to be deaf not to hear the love in his voice when he got home and deaf to not hear the pain when he left only hours later. He'd have to be blind to not see the way Jared's whole face brightened when he saw Evan at any given point. And he'd have to be nose blind to not smell that he was using all his colognes and wearing his t-shirts just to be reminded of Evan throughout the day.
Every night when Jared got home, the bags under his eyes would try to pull his eyelids down with him. They would droop and sag and Evan knew he wanted nothing more than to sleep. And yet every night he sat down with Evan at the table, (which at first, he scolded Evan for being up so late. But Jared misses talking to Evan far too much to actually scold him any longer.) and he asked how Evans day was.
And he'd go on to rant about every little thing that reminded him of Evan and every little thing he had wanted to say. And though neither ended up getting much sleep, it was easily their favorite time of the day.
And as Evan sat here with a blanket draped around his shoulders with cold disgusting tea in front of him, he really really craved one of Jared's hugs. The blanket was as cold as the tea, seemingly getting colder and colder as the minutes ticked on. They lacked any comfort and, god, Evan found himself wondering if his emotions had seeped through to the thin grey blanket.
