(f.s.t;l)

6 - What's wrong with me

Every single day for 3 years, I wake up feeling dead and deep down there's this little hope that it was true. I then have to force myself out of bed to face the cruel world, wearing a smile that i forged up to assure people I'm fine.

Things could be just fine throughout the day but there's some small panic attack or I'm internally fighting with myself. It's just no one ever realise it, because it's all up in my head. It's hard to explain what's going on with me, because I don't even know what is.

Since my heart had been shattered to peices I no longer know how to fix it so it's been like that eversince.

It feels like the whole world against me, everyone i know only see the bad in me. And they'll constantly point it out. The words they say is running in my head, it's ringing like an alarm clock. And then that's when the panicking starts, then i'll start sobbing and crying for hours to the point there's no tears left to cry.

It's hard to swallow back your tears, when you're surrounded with people and you're breaking down for absolutely no reason. It hurts when you're giving someone all you have  and what you get back is not even as much as you've given to them.  And they call me heartless :)

I've tried really hard to just ignore what people say and just ignore the pain and whatever is suffering me , but at the end of the day I still find myself curled up in bed crying to sleep.

I know i've fucked up a whole lot in life, I'm no good like all those people out their who does so well in life while I'm a failure. I just don't see the need to rub it in my face to make me feel extra bad about myself, I learn shits at my own rate. Every single person in this entire world learn differently, you might learn faster while i have to take time to understand it.

One freaking maths paper that i wasn't able to my best on it, doesn't mean I'm going to keep failing. And one test can't prove what else out there in the real world i can succeed.

If you can't be there to support me then just please be quiet, I don't mind not talking to you because everytime i do...
That's when i cry myself to sleep :)