Delinquent

Delinquent - Chapter 28

                The drive back from the Dr.’s office was awkward. Eli was driving and I was sitting in the passenger seat looking out the window. I would never enjoy anything ever again. Not the trees, not the parks, not running. Not being able to run anymore killed me, and it was all because of these children inside of me. I hated myself now. I hated myself for what I’d done over the past couple of years to end up here. Although it was a few months back, I remember when Chase had gotten hurt and Chelsea and I were having a conversation about my lifestyle. She told me “It’s really sad how something bad needs to happen before people actually get it.” She said laughing without humor. “Or at least, that’s how it is in most cases. See, with you, it’s different. Something bad has to happen to multiple people for you to get it.” I felt my eyes start to water. She was right about me. I had hurt several people, and I hurt someone I cared about; Chase. At the end, I ended up hurting myself the most. I was pregnant with not one, but two babies. I still wasn’t over the shock of it. Most people would be overjoyed that they were having twins, but not me. I hated it. I didn’t even know if I could possibly love them at this point because I felt so miserable. They were Caleb’s babies,, so what would they call him? Daddy or Uncle? They’d probably call him both, and it was very depressing for me because the only thing I ever thought of my children calling him was Uncle Caleb.

                Chris had won in so many ways now. He won by getting me pregnant, and now I was pregnant with twins. That wasn’t his doing technically, but still, double whammy for him. I touched my belly and looked down. Neither the Dr. nor I were sure how I had been hiding twins for four months from the ultrasound, let alone everyone else, but I wouldn’t be able to do it much longer. I was going to get too big, and to avoid the element of surprise, people had to start finding out now. I had to tell Paul first. My heart broke at just the thought of his name. I hadn’t told him in two months; I’d never kept anything from him this long before. I wondered what he’d think of me now. I sighed my frustration out loudly. I would have to tell him everything I told Eli. About how Chris had knocked him out that night, about how I was forced to be with Caleb, and about how I found I ended up pregnant. Everything. And not an edited version liked I gave Eli. With Eli I left out a few details but Paul was different. He was one of my best friends, and he deserved the complete and honest truth. Not that Eli didn’t, but he and Chase were better friends than Paul and Chase were. I was afraid that Eli wouldn’t help me if he knew what I’d done to Chase, but with Paul, I was willing to take that risk.

                Eli pulled up in front of Paul’s house and put the car in park. He didn’t move his hand from the steering wheel, and he didn’t turn to look at me. Instead he tried to put a sentence together.

“So…” he searched for some words. “How do you uh…feel?” Ha. How did I feel? I felt like a huge whale that was about two burst open with two non-stop crying babies. I felt like a failure. I felt like a liar, a cheater, and a betrayer. None of those was what he meant though. He was asking me how I felt about learning I had twins inside of me. I felt scared, but that was because of them. Towards them I didn’t feel anything but resentment, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.

“Nothing. I don’t feel anything.”

“That’s impossible.”

“Anything is possible. Anyway, thanks for coming with me.” I reached for the handle and opened the door. I knew Eli wanted to say more, but I wasn’t going to let him. I didn’t want a lecture from him on how I should be feeling. I closed the door and quickly walked across the lawn to the front door. By the time I got to the door my feet were covered in snow. I did my best to stomp all the snow off before I rang the doorbell.  Paul answered the door a few seconds later, obviously a little surprised to see me standing there. He gave a small smile, but I knew he wasn’t exactly happy to see me. I hadn’t been the best friend in the past few weeks. He moved out of my way so I could get inside, and I walked in. I didn’t bother to turn to say bye to Eli. I knew I’d see him again soon.