Okay

.30.

Mo stayed for hours. Not once bringing up Birdie which left me in slight discomfort. Like I was waiting for something to pop out and scare me around every corner.

He eventually left. Asking if I was okay, if I was sure, if I wanted him to stay. My answers were always the same, yes, yes and no but they should have been the opposite. I should have said no, no and yes.

Instead I saw him to the door, trying my best to convince him that I wasn't lying only to close the door and have loneliness consume me.

I made it a half hour before I was convinced my thoughts were going to take me over the railing of the balcony.

Rapping my knuckles against the door, I stare at my boots, the laces untied and pooling on the floor. The doorknob jiggles, Mrs. McDonald staring up at me a moment later.

"Hey Mrs. McDonald." I stuff my hands in my joggers offering a small smile.

"Hi.." she leans out the door frame slightly, inspecting the hallway. "Can I help you?"

She has no idea who I am. "I'm your neighbor Drew."

"Oh yes! That's right." I smile even though I'm not convinced anything's actually clicked for her.

"I was wondering if I could have a cup of tea?" I ask.

Really I'm scared to be alone and don't
want to burden Mo anymore than I already have.

Mrs. McDonald smiles warmly, her hand reaching up toward my face, where she motherly cups my cheek. And I wonder if even though she can't remember who I am, if she sees how messed up I am.

"Oh course dear, come in." She ushers me in without a second thought.

I'm grateful but it scares me how trusting she is. Taking a seat at her dining room table, my eyes scan a spiral notebook with loose crooked print sprawled across it. I try not to but curiosity gets the better of me as I nudge the corner to straighten it out.

A n g e l a

I c a n r em be r

I can't tear my eyes away from it. My mind following the jagged lines of her print, repeating the words over and over in my mind.

How is life so unfair? Why does it have to steal the memory of those who want to keep it? If I could switch places with her I would. All I want to do is forget. Disappear into nothing.

Mrs. McDonald joins me at the table, sliding a cup of tea toward me and I try to wipe the pity from my eyes when I look up at her.

"I was going to write my daughter a letter." She says, her fingers trailing the paper lovingly. "But I can't seem to remember how."

"I can write it." The offer falls out of me instantly. "If you want."

Mrs. McDonald looks at me, her dark eyes full of warmth. She breathes in deep, reaching across the table for my hand and I give it to her.

"I can't remember what I even wanted to say now." She tells me.

It's the saddest thing I've ever heard.

"Nevermind that." She straightens her spine, plucking the notebook from the table and setting it on a chair that's tucked underneath. "What's on your mind dear?"

I laugh dryly through my nose, staring down at the tea in my cup. Maybe it's because I know Mrs. McDonald won't remember. Or maybe it's because I can't stop myself from wondering what it'd be like to have her as my mother versus the one that I have. Regardless, I tell her the truth.

My voice sounds every bit as broken as I feel. Consumed with fear and sadness as I say "I'm scared to be alone."

                               ————————

Birdie's been trying to get ahold of me. But I already told myself, I wouldn't. I wasn't going to continue whatever it was that I stupidly started. I wouldn't do that to Birdie. Or Mo.

Which has left me alone, in my apartment. I've tried working. But I can't focus. Well I can't focus on anything good.

Stuffing my feet into my boots, I grab my keys and head for the elevator. I push my finger into the down button, plucking my phone from my pocket. I text Alec.

Me: beer?

The little dots pop up on my screen, a response back as the elevator doors close behind me.

Alec: where you going?

Me: that shithole on State

I step out into the lobby, sliding my phone back into my pocket because it doesn't seem like Alec is going to answer and push through the doors into the night air. I head for the bar, the one that I first bumped into Owen at, the night of the overpass.

It's a short walk, the humidity that infiltrated the day gone, leaving a pleasantly warm night. The streets are quiet, only a handful of people lingering on them because it's the middle of the week and most people have to wake up.

A few minutes later, I'm at the bar, staring at the dark uninviting front. Through the dingy windows I can tell it's dead. It's part of its appeal but I still can't seem to go in. I don't want to be alone.

Pulling my phone back out, it's void of messages and my heart sinks. I close my eyes, trying to push the loneliness away but it's always there. No matter what I do.

For a second, I almost think the tears are going to finally come.

I keep my eyes pinched shut even as I hear a car door shut and footsteps near. The presence of someone standing by my shoulder, closer than normal. But I can't bring myself to open my eyes.

A hand lands on my shoulder, "we're not friends".

And instantly I laugh, my eyes snapping open and I see Owen's cane on the ground beside me.

"Alec's got Aiden tonight." He says as way of clarification. "Let's go get that beer."

His hand falls from my shoulder and he pulls the door open, leaning heavily on his cane. I can't help but think how that's my fault. How if I never had that stupid party, Owen and I would still be friends. That even then I was so desperate to fill the loneliness inside me, that I didn't think about the consequences. I almost apologize for the millionth time but I know Owen will just tell me to fuck off and I don't want ruin whatever this.

So instead I follow inside, mumbling a broken "thank you" in his wake.

—————————

Oh Owen 💙.