Okay

.21.

"I'm alive." I bark into my phone, eyes shut as I try to pull myself the rest of the way from sleep.

"Well that's good." Birdie's voice floats through the speaker into my ear and my eyes snap open.

I chuckle. "Sorry, thought it was your dad."

"Hate to disappoint but it's not. Just me." She says.

Shoving myself upright, I blink blearily around my room. The sun is blaring through my uncovered windows, too high in the sky to be morning. "What time is it?"

"2 pm." Birdie supplies.

"Shit." I wish I could say I was actually upset over it but I'm not. I'm more not looking forward to the lecture I'll be receiving from my dad.

"Everything okay?" Birdie asks.

I let myself fall back to the mattress. "Yeah, no big deal. Just missed a conference call."

My bottle of antidepressants are next to the bed on the floor and I grab the bottle. I've missed my first dose, sleeping through it and unscrew the lid. If Mo found out, he'd be pissed.

"Oh, well I won't keep you long." Birdie breezes past my failure. "I'm hosting a birthday party at my place for a friend from work tonight. Will you come?"

My mouth drops, like maybe I was about to say yes but then nothing comes out. I don't want to tell Birdie yes and then not show. And if I'm being honest I probably won't. Even if it is Birdie.

A party feels like too much.

And I can't even manage to get out of bed.

"Drew?" She asks. "Still there?"

I run a hand through my hair, it's starting to get greasy. Clumps of it still latched together from the last time I styled it.

"Yeah, sorry." I mumble.

"So what do you think? I know it's last minute but I'd love it if you'd come." She says.

I'm a piece of shit. But I can't help but let my heart race off at the fact that she wants me there.

"That sounds like fun, but I-." My eyes close, an image of Birdie laughing filling my mind. God she's beautiful. Why the hell she wants anything to do with me blows my mind. "I have plans."

"Oh, no problem." I can hear her smile through the phone even though I just let her down. "Well we should get lunch or dinner again this week."

My heart wants to start dancing and I mentally beat it down. My crush on Birdie will only ever be a crush and I need to constantly remind myself of that. I'm not about to ruin Birdie. Not that she's ever seen me as more than a friend. Even now, I'm sure Mo has asked her to keep reaching out to me even though I'm a lazy, depressed piece of shit.

"Yeah, sounds good." I say anyway.

"Alright well, I'll see you around."

"Yeah, see ya."

The line goes dead and I'm left with all the notifications I missed while I slept. My dad's pissed.

Blowing out a breath I decide to get the lecture over with, calling him back.

He answers on the first ring, practically screaming and any bit of hope that Birdie sparked within me dies.

————————

I've been doing market research for hours, building off of my teams foundation. I've thought about calling it quits more than once but after my dad's verbal beating I figured I should at least deliver on this. Get him off my back for a minute. Plus occasionally it distracts my mind enough that I don't think about Birdie. About the balcony and the ground below that's screaming my name. About Mo and how he's killing himself for someone who doesn't even want to be alive in the first place. About Holt and Vee.

I wonder what Vee would do if I showed up at her apartment. Would she let me in? Or is this  thing one sided?

I'm not even sure I want to find out.

My stomach grumbles, angry and hungry and my bladder's screaming but I've been too lazy to get up. Checking the time, it's almost midnight. My eyes are burning and honestly I have no desire to read about any more speciality camera booths. I've read more shitty mission statements and reviewed more boring products to last me a lifetime tonight.

So I close my laptop, grab a hat to cover up my dirty hair, take a piss and leave. The air is warm still, people out drinking and laughing, being alive. I'm envious of them all.

Stuffing my hands in my jeans, my eyes searching for a quiet bar to drink in where no one will talk to me, my stomach slowly forgets it's hungry and my desire to drink dissipates and I walk.  I walk past store fronts and bars, apartments and construction, weaving my way through streets, my mind lost in my past until the ground starts to incline and my surroundings suddenly become the forefront of my focus.

It's the overpass.

I wish I could say I felt something about this stretch of road. That anxiety sparked within me or that I felt nervous being here. But I'm unbiased about it all. Almost like that night didn't happen. It's just another piece of road.

My boots scrap against the concrete as I make my way to the crest of the bridge, there's a couple cars thundering toward me on the highway below, their lights bright and blinding. My fingers graze the cement wall, rough against my skin as I brace my hands on it and lean over.

I can hear Mo's voice calm and soothing as he pulled me away. My pleads and desperation as I tried to make him understand this was the only way. This was what I wanted. The noise of the emergency vehicles as they swarmed and the people who spilled out of them.

Mo didn't let me go. Holding onto me until the doors of the ambulance closed, sealing me in, forcing me to stay alive. Everyone kept telling me I was going to be okay and I kept telling everyone I was just going to try again. First chance I got.

Now a couple months later I'm still fucking here. And I'm still miserable.

A car pops over the horizon, swallowing ground up as it grows closer. That night I just wanted someone to care. I wanted someone to notice me just before I killed myself.

It was fucking selfish. And I've been selfish my whole damn life.

Shoving myself away from the wall, I suck in a breath not that it helps. And then I turn, shove my hands deep into my pockets and walk back to my apartment with my head down.

————————

I love you guys.