𝓜𝓲𝓼𝓽𝔂 𝓢𝓸𝓾𝓵𝓼

34 | surely a date, II

"Are you sure you're okay with touches? You always used to be startled whenever I would brush a part of your body. Well it still happens sometimes."

"...Yeah. It's getting better actually. Before... you and the girls, I couldn't even let Derek touch me." I admitted, still not looking at her.

"Will you ever tell me why?..." she wondered, desperately searching for my gaze.

After taking a silent but deep inhalation I smiled at her, quickly diverting my eyes back to our hands though.

I couldn't put words on my feelings.
Did I want to tell her?
Did I want to tell her but not now?
Did I want her to shut up?
I was lost, and she must have understood because she squeezed my hand again, silently telling me it was okay to not reply.

As she was silently observing me, a small smile on display on her face, I found myself staring back at her, confused with all those thoughts and emotions boiling inside me.

Suddenly my self confidence dropped dramatically, forcing me to release her hand which immediately made her frown.

"Is that a habit of you to go on walks with your students?" I joked, fully hiding behind a laugh.

"What? No!" She exclaimed a bit too loud and quick.
Looking herself startled by her sudden actions she lowered her voice "Why on earth would you think that Amanda?" She questioned like it was the dumbest question ever.

"I-I don't know. I was just asking."
Great now you're stuttering too.
You know what? Just stop looking at her, look away.

Fixing my gaze on a lonely tree, my leg began to shake uncontrollably.

You're so so so so so stupid, I thought, impatiently waiting for her to talk, kinda wanting to runaway already.

I hadn't realized my eyelids were closed until they open wide when I felt her hand meet my knee, pressing on it like she was trying to stop the rapid movement of my leg.
"Amanda, calm down."

Oh no please stop it. Don't touch me.

I didn't back away though.
See how mentally strong I was? lmao

"Eh honey listen to me. I have never been any close to a student. Ever. Because I told you, and I really mean it, I don't see you as a student."

This pet name again...

"Then what am I? Do you just see me as the girl having trouble sleeping, trusting, loving and talking? Because I..." Before I could actually finish this sentence her fingers gently grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at her but not in a harsh way.

That's also when I realized how close she now was to me.

"No... not at all. You are my kind and interesting neighbor, who has incredible writing skills and whose presence is just really enjoyable. I don't pity you Amanda. I never have and never will."

Those words hit me. And I couldn't even fight against my eyes who were becoming glossy. It was too late anyway, she already had witnessed it.
Unexpectedly, she brushed my cheek with the tip of her fingers, ready to catch tears if they'd ever fall down.

"You're really a touchy one huh?" I suddenly giggled, causing her to back away, looking a bit shameful.

"Yeah sorry."
That tone, it indicated me that there was something I wasn't aware of.
She also removed her hand from my knee, before creating more space between us.