In My Head

4

"Please I can't be alone," He begs. He leans back, forcing my arms to let go. "Why?" I say. "The man, he scares me," He says before leaning down and pressing his lips to mine. I push him away, but as soon as I do, he does it again, this time he slips his tongue in my mouth.

I push him away and wipe my mouth. "Please Kei, stop. I don't want this." I say. "But I do," He says as he licks his lips. "What will you do if I don't let you?" I ask. He pauses for a second. "Please," He says, rubbing himself against me. "No," I say firmly.

I push him away again. He falters for a second. Then he presses my shoulders against the couch. "Yes." He says demandingly. He's not asking anymore, he's going to try to force me. I grab his wrists and flip him over, pinning him against the couch.

His legs are still wrapped around me. "But why?" He says as tears start streaming down his face. "Why has no one in my life ever loved me? The only one that did was him and he's gone! He hates me!" He starts to yell.

"Kei!" I say loudly. "He doesn't hate you!" I'm trying to stay strong. "How do you know?" He asks. "Are you really that stupid?" I ask. "What?" He asks. "Do you really not recognize me?" I say, frustration building.

He freezes. "Eli?" He says in disbelief. I release his wrists and put my hands on either side of him. He grabs my face as soon as I release him. "You're so different." He says, leaning my face down to his. "What happened to you?" He asks. It's almost like our personalities have switched. I grab his hand and hold it. "I thought you were gone forever, or worse, I thought you were dead," I say painfully.

He looks at my arm. "No, no, no. Why did you start doing that?" He asks. I look at my wrist where my jacket sleeve has exposed it. "I missed you," I say. "Where were you?" I ask him. I feel a tear leak down my face. "I-" He starts. He sits up, but his legs are still around me. "I was kind of just everywhere. I came back to-" He cuts himself off. "I think you know what I came back to do."

I nod slowly. "I'm so sorry about what he did to you," I say. "I wish I could have protected you." He shakes his head. "Don't be sorry. It wasn't your fault." He says, "I think you should know something."

"What is it?" I ask. "This isn't the first time I've... killed someone." He says as he looks away. I grab his face and turn it towards me. "I know," I say. "Do you still love me?" He asks. I nod. "How? I've killed people." He says painfully. "I know. I hate that you've done that. But I still love you." I say, hugging him. He pushes me away and grabs my face again. He pulls me down into a kiss. He lays back down, pulling me with him.

He arches into me, rubbing against me again. I pull away from his lips. The lips I've wanted to kiss for so long. "I can't do this. I'm not ready right now, okay?" I say. "Am I a monster? I killed him in a horrible way. Look at the house, it's ruined." He says, looking into my eyes. "I toyed with him. It was painful for him. I know what he did to me was bad, but I feel guilty." He starts to whisper to me.

"I'm glad you're finally telling me how you feel, but I know. I'm so sorry Kei." I say. "I don't think it can be the same though," He says. "I love you. I love you so much Eli, but I slaughtered him. His head was on the fire mantel. How can you love me back?" He says.

"I loved you so much. I don't know. What do you want to do?" I ask. He pauses. He pulls my face down again for a kiss. "I want to kiss you." He says. It's just a kiss. I lean down and start to kiss him back.

His tongue slips into my mouth again. He wants to keep going. He wants more. "Please Eli?" He asks. He's been rubbing against me this entire time. "Please? It's been two years. You haven't even touched me in two years. Just this once?" He asks.

"I don't know Kei," I say. I don't know if I can do it again. At least not right now. "If you don't want to touch me, can I touch you?" He asks. My face turns red. What has happened to him? He's not shy anymore. "Kei, I really can't," I say. His face drops in disappointment. "Do you want to come back home with me?" I ask. He thinks about this. "Do you want to be found, Kei?" I ask him.

"I-" He says. "I do. I don't know about a lot of things right now though. What if they automatically suspect me? It would be suspicious if I randomly showed up after my dad was killed, wouldn't it be?" He says.

"Please Kei?" I ask. Now I'm the one begging. "I don't know." He says. How do I get him to say yes? I really want him to come home. "If you do," I say, trying to think of something. I sigh in defeat. "If you do, we can do it," I say. I'm using my body to bribe him. Lucas would be disappointed. That poor traumatized kid.

He starts to listen. "Eli, I know you don't want to do it. I don't want to force you to do stuff." He says. "You tried to force me about five minutes ago," I say. He cringes at this. I lean down and bite his ear like I used to. "We haven't touched each other in two years, remember?" I whisper to him. "Do you want to?" I ask him. I really want him to come home. He shudders a bit. "Okay," He says. "But if you really don't want to, we don't have to." He says.