Vent Book

Often I am Upset

That I cannot fall in love but I guess, this avoids the stress of fallin' out of it

Why, do you like me? Why do you say that I'm amazing, or beautiful, or that I matter? I really don't, I'll tell you now. I'm a shitty, fatass, trash excuse of a human being. Why are you giving me the time of day? I don't do shit for you but waste your time.

Are you tired of me yet? I'm a little sick right now but I swear, when I'm ready I will fly us out of here

I'm honestly just waiting, for you to realize what a crappy person I am. For you to finally not want me around. And I know it'll kill me when that day comes, I'll be absolutely fucking crushed because I really, really like you, hell I love you. It's stupid really, my feelings. I get sad over the smallest things you know, things I'll never tell anyone, because I feel like an idiot for making something so small such a big issue. I know, if I love you I should be able to confide in you but goddamit, twelve years of repressing my feelings isn't going to stop so easily, and I'm sorry for that, I wish it was different.

I'll cut my hair, to make you stare, I'll hide my chest and I'll figure out a way to get us out of here

When I was younger, about 5 or 6, I started realizing something important. And that was the fact that my stepdad, didn't really like me. Before I'd always hated him for treating me the way he did and I just assumed it was a normal thing, for years after that, until after I got through sixth grade did I realize that the shit he did wasn't normal. But from 5 to 11, I constantly felt like a stranger in my own home. I felt like I wasn't welcome to do or say anything when he was there, and it hurt, it really did. I love my mom so much, but it hurt when she took his side, I know she was only protecting herself from his wrath and that she was already dealing with a lot so I never said anything. I distanced myself from reality and got into the world online, I found amino and made friends there that made me feel more welcome than I did with my family. I liked it there, so I stayed. Until my mom kicked my stepdad out when I was twelve years old. And finally I could be myself and bond with my family. Even so the damage, the emotional abuse, as my mom calls it, was done. I'd learned to hide my feelings from my mom and family and resort to crying alone at night and stuffing my mouth with food to help the pain. And now, I still do that, I'm sorry, I don't know any other way.

Get a look at this monster, he doesn't know how to communicate, his mind is in a different place will everybody please give him a little bit of space

To say the least, I'm scared, of opening up and being honest and letting someone in. Because I know that they'll hate what they find and take what they want and leave. I know that one day, you'll get tired of me and you'll leave. And when that happens, I won't know what to do with myself. I guess I'll float around to another friend group as I've been doing. I hope that maybe, just once, this one won't end up with me hurting but if it does, I won't hate you. I could never, I love you too much. And I'm really grateful that at least for now, you'll tell me I'm amazing, and that you'll say such nice things about me, and make me feel special for  once in my life. I'm so damn thankful that at least for a little bit, I have you, and that you love me.

Get a load of this trainwreck, cuz there's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet, but little do we know the stars welcome him with open arms, oh

Thank you, for loving me, because I can't do it by myself, and I'm sorry you have to deal with my shit, I'm sorry I'm not a better person, but I'm trying, and maybe one day I'll be able to believe you when you say that I'm not a shitty person.

Time is, slowly, tracing his face, but strangely he feels at home in this place...