Vent Book

Wish

Wish that I was someone special

Yup here we are again, I feel shitty and I'm too much of an emotional mess to just talk to you directly. I think I'll just use this book to talk to you instead of messaging about it since I feel slightly less stupid writing it here than trying to explain it in a pm (for anyone else reading, yes this is addressing one specific person, but feel free to read it anyway I'm just saying that's how I'm writing these from now on). Originally I wasn't going to address you in all these, but I can't help thinking I'm talking to you most of the time really, you are the only one who'll listen, who I trust to listen anyway. Yeah everyone says I can talk to them, but it's really hard for me to admit I'm having trouble, I hate asking for help because I've been raised to think a cry for help is attention seeking. It messes with me daily you know, the mindset I've been raised to have, vs the mindset I'm trying to achieve now that he's gone. I constantly second guess myself in everything I do. "Am I talking about myself too much?" "Should I have said something else?" "Are they mad at me?" "Do I have depression, a mental disorder, or am I just overwhelmingly sad often?" "Am I attention seeking?" I ask myself questions all the time, questions, questions, that'll never be answered.

Wish that I was what they think I am or saw my own potential

I hate myself, that's a fact. I hate myself for so many goddamn things. I wish I was someone else, someone better for everyone around me. I hate the person I choose to be, almost everything about her. The only thing I like about myself, is that I can help you when your feeling down. It's really the only thing keeping me going, has been for some months now. Yeah I have a few friends that I talk to but none of them I trust, I love, I need, as much as you. I can't imagine what I'd do if you were to stop talking to me. I'd respect any decision you make obviously, I won't guilt trip you if ever in the future you decide that this relationship isn't worth it, but it would probably tear me apart.

Tell me pretty lies, look me in the face, tell me that you love me, even if it's fake, 'cuz I don't fuckin' care. At all...

Yeah different song, it came on and I decided to add that lyric because it's really how I feel. It makes me feel better about myself when you say you love me, honestly it does. It makes it worth it to know at least one person, even for a little bit, thinks/thought I was actually an ok person, and I know after reading this you'll go reassure me that I'm more than ok, or maybe you won't, maybe you won't read this at all, or maybe you won't say anything because it's not your responsibility to do that. I wouldn't blame you, I could never, I love you so much. I'm so sorry you have to deal with my shit, I know it must be annoying that suddenly I'm acting depressed and venting all the time instead of being a positive person and reassuring you. I'm really trying to stop feeling sorry for myself, it's getting tiring I bet. Just, I don't know.

I hate that I make it sound like I rely on you so much, like I can't function without you, I just, I've never had anyone that was there for me really. All my other close friends relied on me for comfort and I always felt bad complaining about the small things I went through compared to them, and now that I've found someone like you, I don't know how to react. I shouldn't need you to tell me daily that I'm amazing and that I'm not a shitty person but yet here I am venting in a book because of a stupid problem I'm dealing with. I shouldn't need you to tell me you love me to make my day worth it. But it does goddamit, it really fucking does. In just a few months you've made me feel more important and loved and cared about than I ever have in my entire life. Yeah my family loves me, I know that, but it's not the same, I can't tell them any of this, they wouldn't understand, and I'm so glad that you do. I'm so thankful that your willing to just talk to me everyday, and tell me these things, and be there for me. I really, truly, sincerely, love you. Even if at some point you stop loving me, I'll always be appreciative that I got to meet someone as amazing as you. You really are my sunshine you know, the light in my darkness. The thing that makes me want to keep going even when life's making it seem like I should quit.

Nothing that bad even happened to me this week, school was just especially difficult, and amino made me feel even worse mentally. That's it to be honest, I'm mentally exhausted. I just, I wish I could hug you, and that you could hug me and tell me face to face that I matter and that I'm important. I wish that I could cuddle with you at night that I could go on dates with you and show you cool things and buy you gifts and stuff. I think about the future a lot you know, when we're older, in a few years or so, when I can go see you, what'll happen, what it'll be like. Will we hug each other? Hold hands? Kiss? Go out somewhere? What'll happen when I knock on your door and you see me for the first time? And yeah I think of the "other" stuff we could do too but you already know my mind is a mess lol.

I don't even know what I was doing writing this, just getting my feelings out I suppose, it was mostly about you but honestly this is how I really feel, and I hope you love me as much as I love you. I think I'll end this here, 1000+ words Jesus heh. Thanks for reading if you did, I'll just publish this now and wait for you to wake up or message me back.