Vent Book

Needy

Tbh I'm done coming up with titles for these bc why
Gonna post here more cuz no one (who might care) reads these and I can't rlly vent to anyone without feeling like my feelings are dumb.

"And I can be needy, way too damn needy"

I feel like an asshole. Ik I am. You might not think so, but the things you say prove I am. I suck, and idk why you keep talking to me when all I do is hurt your feelings in one way or another.

"Tell me how good it feels to be needed"

I feel like I ask for too much. Not just from you but from everyone. I ask for shit all the time and don't give anything back, I kinda think that it's starting to annoy you and others. I wish I could be better ya know, I just, wish I was a better more likeable person like you or my friends.

"So hard to please me"

I'm way too demanding aren't I? I just, idk, I hate attention but at the same time it'd be amazing if someone could focus on me for once rather than me focus on someone else. And ik my friends say their pms are open but I can't just ask them or even you to give me attention, to tell me I'm doing a good job, to tell me I'm not selfish, to tell me I'm a good person. Idk if I can ask anyone for that really. I hate that I doubt myself. I hate that I get anxious if I even think that someone hates or dislikes me. I hate myself.

"I know how good it feels to be needed"

I just, wish, I could stop feeling bad about everything I do. I feel shitty abt my drawing, abt how much I eat, abt how little I do every day. It fucking sucks. I wanna ask for things but ik I can't have them and it kinda hurts. Like when I asked you to call me a certain name, I love that name, it makes me feel special but when you said you didn't want to do that I felt bad that I kept asking you to, I feel bad just writing this on the off chance you'll read it and feel guilty/worse when I want you to be happy. I just, wish that my own happiness came easier, I wish I could be happy with less not more. Im sorry for hurting your feelings, for making you mad or annoyed, for asking too much, and for just being another smth to worry about in your life. I like helping, making people feel better, but it's hard for me to ask others to do the same when I need it. I didn't even tell you I was sad bc you feel bad enough already and I didn't wanna add to that. I just, I have a few things I wanna ask for, that ik I won't get, and ik it's selfish of me to want this much, or to get sad over things this small, but I can't help it.

I'm sorry you have to deal with me, im sorry im not a better person for you. Tbh you'd probably be better off with Syd than me, but my dumbass is too greedy to even say that bc as much as I don't deserve you I do need you, but you probably don't need me.