Why I have trust issues: phan

Why I have trust issues: phan (14)

*phil's POV*

The kiss lasted longer than I would have thought, but I didn't mind; I was loving every second of it.

I loved the mintiness of Dan's breath and how he kissed me back without hesitation.

I loved the way his hands traced under my jacket and along my spine, I loved how the snow began to fall just as we began kissing but most of all I loved Dan.

That is, of course, until he pulled away.

It felt like he had stabbed me, although I always knew it could come to this.

I broke down in sobs as I heard his pounding boots on the pavement, running away from me.

Christ, why did I do that?

Why in hell would I think he would even remotely like me?

Shit.

***

My fingers gripped the razor, tracing lines in my thigh, silver streaks quickly pooling with red.

When I first did this I thought I would be panicking as I did it, kicking, screaming, crying, forcing myself to take the blade to my skin, but oddly it felt satisfying, maybe refreshing.

I looked over at my wrist, I had long since stopped cutting there to appease my Mother, but she never checked my legs.

The ugly white lines marred my arm, bumpy and irregular to the touch, some permanently scarred when I cut too deep, or cut over old ones.

A long 2mm wide scar ran from the bottom of my palm to half way up my forearm, my first attempt.

My second had been ODing but it wasn't enough, I had my stomach pumped and was put on strict watch with a carer and regular, almost daily, meetings with a counsellor.

Third was bleach, it tore up my insides but I. Just. Wouldn't. Die.
Hospitalised for two months, first in intensive care and then to a ward with a hourly suicide watch and patronising nurses, then eventually released, when I put on some weight and the like.

They didn't know though.

They'll never know.

I was only released a few months back, and have put on two pounds since then.

I feel sick inside myself.

The one moment I haven't was when I could feel Dan's lips on mine, feel his hands caress my body...

But that was over now, and I wouldn't be surprised if Dan never speaks to me again; I seem to have that effect on people.

So, with all this in mind I draw the blade over my leg again.