The Weight of Living | warrior cats fanfic

𝐭𝐞𝐧 | 𝐛𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬

ten

bitterness

________________________________

Clouds drifted softly through the peach toned StarClan skies. Chickadees sang from the nearby bluish green leaved trees, and a breeze rustled through the tall grasses that Cottonpaw lay back on. His eyes followed the clouds, though his thoughts were elsewhere. A twisted feeling had been growing and festering in his stomach since  a few days previous when he had curled up with Aldermist and Blizzardstream. It left a sourness in his mouth, to where when Acaciapaw had bickered with Poplarpaw the day before, he refused to calm her scathing tongue. Rather, his fur bristled in annoyance and he left for the day. 

Cottonpaw rolled onto his side, turning his gaze to a rollie pollie that itched along the earth toward cover under a leaf. He had refused to go down to the Below for the day. He couldn't stand to spend it watching Acaciapaw. It's not fair. I don't want to watch over Acaciapaw, it's not fair! I want to run through the below with solid paws and hunt for my Clan. I want to patrol the borders from rogues, I want to play with the other apprentices and joke with them too! I want to make my mother proud of me... not keep Acaciapaw out of trouble! It's not fair!

His own bitterness churned in his stomach, but then was joined by a sparking anger that was distinctly Acaciapaw's. It soon dissipated, and then was replaced by a sinking, sickening feeling of shame and regret echoing from the she-cat in the Below. Cottonpaw  narrowed his eyes and dug his claws into the earth to get a different sensation and move his mind away from his charge. I don't want to kitsit her anymore!

He could hear pawsteps echo through the soil that his right ear was pressed against, and he picked his head up to see who approached.

"Cottonpaw, are you alright?" It was Hollydapple. The black she-cat had had a scent of fresh kill still on her whiskers— she must've been hunting. He set his head back down, turning his face away with a slight scowl. A deep, green brown of bitterness emanated from his aura. A nasty color for an equally nasty emotion. 

"Nothing. I'm fine...," he grumbled. She got closer, nosing him gently. He sat up with a sigh. "I just— I don't want to watch Acaciapaw anymore! I don't want to! I wish I were alive, I want to be alive with my mom and dad!" The brown and green whips of his emotional aura shifted to a blue tint. 

Hollydapple was quiet for a moment, and he turned to look at her. The queen had a delicate, angular face, and she studied him carefully with her almond-shaped eyes. 

"The second you arrived in StarClan, I was tasked to look after you. I had just died only a moon before you arrived, and I had been so distraught at my early passing. I missed my three kits more than anything. Being a second mother to you saved me. You helped me to be at peace with being on this side of existence. I always knew you'd get like this one day, what with the job you were given. It's impossible not to. I'm sorry you died, but it's how it is. Your body just couldn't survive in the world, it wasn't any cat's choice." Hollydapple paused to lick Cottonpaw's cheek and top of his head. He shuttered in sadness, and pressed his muzzle to her chest. 

She continued, "StarClan tries to give kits who die a second chance. We let you grow older, and give you a job where you have to experience Clan life. You watch over Acaciapaw so that you can live. You watch over her so that she can live. Chaffinchstar and Morningleaf foresaw Acaciapaw's self-destruction; she's too fiery to be left alone. So, we assigned you to protect her. That's why you get an apprentice name, and one day, a warrior name. You're doing a warrior's job of protecting your Clanmates. I know you want to be with your parents— you're so close to them. That's why I'm not allowed in the Below like you are. But, one day, hopefully a long time from now, Aldermist and Blizzardstream will join you here for as long as stars light up the night sky."

Cottonpaw sighed deeply into her fur. 

"I guess I'm being selfish. I'm sorry, Hollydapple...." There were no harsh words from the queen, rather a few licks to his ears and top of his head. He couldn't help the purr that escaped his throat. 

"You didn't understand before. It is a sad what happened, but we just have to choose to accept it and work with what we've got with where we're at."

The breeze rustled on, and the crickets continued their tunes.

"Hollydapple... can I ask how you died?" 

She stiffened for a moment before relaxing and nodding. "It was the day my three kits— Mulberrypaw, Lichenpaw, and Chickorypaw— were apprenticed. It was green leaf, too, I remember. Their ceremony had just finished, and they went to explore the territory with their mentors. I, too, went out to wonder the territory. I just wanted to get out and go for a swim after six moons of watching over them in the camp. I was only at the river's edge for a few moments before the wind shifted and I picked up the scent of a fox. I don't remember how I knew, but I knew that my son was nearby, so I went right for where they were to warn them. By the time I got to them, the fox was already there and had injured Junipermask— Chickorypaw's mentor. Chickorypaw was frozen in fear. I fought and saved my son, and his mentor too. When help came, the fox ran off. But... it was too late for me... I opened my eyes, and I was here." 

The tall grasses let out a shhh in the wind.

Cottonpaw pushed his head further into Hollydapple's chest.

"It's okay, Cottonpaw. I got to save my son and my clanmate. I can't say that I wouldn't have it any other way, because I'd be lying. If it were up to me, I would've lived to see them grow up. I can't change what happened though, I can only work with where I'm at now. I choose to support you as you grow, and enjoy my time here in StarClan." 

I'm sad that I missed out on so much, but I can't let that stop me from missing out on more.

"I have to go...," he turned, feeling an itch in his paws to hurry. Hollydapple tipped her head with interest, and he started to set off toward the Pool of the Below. "I have a job to do!"