Mental Madness Of The Mind

Love,Fear,Loneliness.

When you say shit like "this is what's gonna break us up" .. I'm sorry . I'm sorry .You keep telling people that when you leave you're not coming back,because this place is shit. Not everything about this place is shit ,is it? I try to make this place less shity for you. But I struggle because everyday I'm in my mind fighting with myself ,telling myself,I'm nothing ,that you're gonna leave me if I don't change myself to your liking. That when you leave here you'll leave me ,forget about me,and find some better looking girl. Everyday I fight back tears of what I tell myself what others tell me about you,and I look pass some of the things you do and say. But I do think about some of the things you say. And I know you don't mean them how I take them ,but I have a lot of worries, and they make me a mess. They make me worthless. I don't like to dress up, I don't like to dress down, I don't like a lot of people, I don't like the quiet, I don't like the loudness, I don't like or love myself , but I know what it is and isn't. I don't like how you don't trust me. And I know you don't. If you end up staying home that's what you wanted. If you end up hating me and leaving me, I would say I'm fine to make sure you don't look back ,to make sure I don't hold you back(( which I feel like I do)) look Honey, I love you, and I'm still learning to be loved, so I struggle understanding what the hell is so fucking great about me ,what you see in me? Why do you put up with me? I struggle everyday to not kill myself ,because if I did that, I'm scared that I'll hurt you. If I died, would you be hurt? I'm sorry . My self doubts are always knocking off my self happiness when I'm alone. When I'm in my head for to long ,I go to a dark place. And it sometimes feels like the only way out of it is to kill myself . I won't because I enjoy being alive with you. 

I'm struggling babyI have so much built upAnd I know you do tooThat's why I try to hold myself togetherI'm sorry.

Words from-((SoloBandit))-

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-(Words from SomeOne, SoloBandit cares about)-

This is the shit I'm talking about you take one thing and blow it up ok stop feeling sorry for your self ok im with you cuz I love you but I can't deal with this shit every day and night it's always something new with you.I'm sorry but that's the truth.
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 -(SoloBandit)-
I'm sorry
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-(SomeOne)-
I never said I was staying home
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-(SoloBandit)-

It was an if, because you said maybeNvmI'm sorry.

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-(SomeOne)-
Only cuz you keep saying something about it.Now I'm in class.
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-(SoloBandit)-
Okay sorry...

This is why no one stays by my side. I've gotten use to being left behind. I've gotten use to physical pain. I've gotten use to the my life. would they get use to my absents? Would they know I've disappeared? I have no regrets if I was to die today. I don't care if I have been hurt a thousand times or beat to a bloody mess to the point Satan had nothing to do with me. I could care less if I wasn't happy. I'm not here to be happy, I'm here to make others happy. make them forget about pain, troubles, worries. I still want to die.