Written. (JB//Complete)

Chapter 38

"Good luck," Ryan says, engulfing me in his arms. I was less than thirty minutes away from leaving. All that was left was to say goodbye. "I know you'll be great. Harvard will love you."

I smile and silently thank him while wiping a tear away. This would be the first time being away from Ryan for so long. We promised to always keep in touch, but I felt as if it wouldn't be enough. I needed Ryan with me. He was practically the only person who truly understood me. Not even my mom counted.

"I'll miss you so much," I murmur, refusing to let go. My mother pulls me away from him and sets her hands on my shoulders.

"It's time, sweetheart. You're finally leaving your mama. Gosh, I feel older already," she tells me. "Now remember, this is an amazing opportunity. I am so proud. Make it the best it can be." She studies every feature of my face as if we'd never see each other again. I nod and let the tears spill out. I was leaving my mother. And although she'd always been demanding and impulsive, she was the only family I had. I hadn't realized how alone I was gonna be; Like an ant in a desert. It had always been the both of us, me and my mama (and Ryan). Then she pulled me into a tight hug and took a deep breath. I inhaled her scent, the mom scent.

I looked toward my bedroom window on the top corner of the house. Leaving home was no longer exiting the address attached to my paperwork. The walls that contained my childhood was a capsule of spoiled memories.The bedroom where I prayed away scary monsters was now bare, and would later be filled with transplanted hobby attempts by my mother. I looked to the tree, and stared at my window sill. Justin came in and out through that very window. He hid in your bathroom. He breathed in your bedroom. I pushed those thoughts out of my head and focused back on the people in front of me.

Sophia had come along for her farewells too. I stepped back toward my car and put my bag in the passenger seat. "I'll miss all of you," I tell them. "So, so much." A small wail escaped my mother's lips and she ran inside.

"She'll miss you too," Ryan says. "And so will I. Now go get 'em." He walks me to my car and opens the door for me. We hug once more, and I insert the key in the ignition. As I drive away, I watch Ryan and Sophia through my rear view mirror. My home moves further away and my stomach feels uneasy.

I contemplate on stopping by Justin's flat and saying goodbye but my mind tells me otherwise. No, don't do it. You'll crack. You'll take him with you. I realize my conscious is right and pass by his street. I feel like a jerk as I continue to drive because the truth is, I don't hate Justin. Sometimes, I just don't know how to feel when I think about us. I've only met him so long ago. Then again, I must be crazy to explode over some journal. But I make decisions too quickly, and my emotions change even faster. There is only so much I could tell him, and so much more I wish I knew.

As I pass by Annie's Cemetery, I notice a familiar figure crouched over one of the graves. This shape causes me to stop, park, and run out to him.

Justin

When I hear footsteps, I instantly get into defensive mode. I whip my head around to see an unexpected person power walking towards my being.

"Justin? What are you doing here?" Scarlett asks, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I was just leaving," I mutter. But before I can turn away, she asks another question.

"Whose Pattie Mallette?"

I turn to look at my mother's tombstone and pause before shutting my eyes. "No one."

The sun had forgotten she died. I prayed for the rays to stab my heart. My chest feels hollow as I kneel once more and tears perish in my eyes. She would've had something silly to say about the way these daisies looked. There was never an open casket. Some of her friends claimed they were proud at how brave I was, but in reality I was scared my father would beat me up for crying. My mom was the reason I lived today; the only reason I lived. My dad, well, he couldn't care less. He's got the company of reckless people and alcohol and he's happy with that. I wish I could've strangled him for what he'd done to my mother. I've had some pretty good opportunities as I grew older.