From Ashes and Snow

Scattered

Chapter 38: Scattered. 

'You belong nowhere. You will never belong.'

The bitter whiskey burned in my throat. I held the mug tight to my chest, feeling the drag of the alcohol in my system. It wasn't the solution, but Asha'da, it helped. Vossen was nothing more than a curling spider's husk in Fyr's workroom but his words haunted me. I hadn't felt like this in weeks. The mind-numbing grief after Dratlan wasn't there, but I felt unable to cope, unable to shove down those memories.

I didn't belong with these people. If I had no marks on my palms, I would have been kicked to the road long ago. I would have been torn down, spat at because I was a mutt and they would always be more superior in the eyes of Cadelith's residences.

The Commander knew that. I was born a peasant, a poor ragged girl and no matter how far I climbed in life, I would never shake the circumstances of my birth. I didn't want to. I felt no shame in being born to a fisherman. I felt no shame that I struggled as a child, that I knew hungry nights and mean words.

I knew Vossen's comments bothered me because they were true.

Whining, Zeer settled his heavy head on my stomach. Solemn, bright eyes watched me and his ears were plastered against his skull. I scratched his broad head and stared up at the skies. My hidden corner of Haaling, tucked at the back of Atoll had remained undisturbed all day. I had tucked my cloak under my head, the rest spiralling out under my back so the cold of the stone underneath wouldn't bother me.

"We will find somewhere, boys. Someday."

Maybe I could visit Aoak? The little fishing village often visited my thoughts, but I could never live there again. I had changed too much in Dratlan and because of what happened after, to ever be content in that corner of Cadelith. I would make sure my family were fine but their life was not my life any longer.

"It is hard," I said, my tongue heavy. The grey skies spun above me, swirls of grey in my wavering vision that beckoned incoming snow. I should have left this little corner long ago, but I could not muster the energy to move. "To belong to no one and to have no one belong to you."

Arno whined.

"Oh, I am sorry." I turned my head to look at him, rubbing a hand heavily along his head. He lapped at the underside of my wrist. "You belong to me.

It was only when I heard the sound of footsteps on the stairs leading to my quiet corner, did I rouse. The world spun, but I tucked away the whiskey bottle and straightened myself, causing Zeer to snuff at me, before a kind and familiar face appeared.

"Aviana."

"Greydon." My throat was thick, but I couldn't hide the smile that rose at the sight of him. The Lieutenant approached me, his brow quizzical.

"You're sitting on the ground, Aviana." The Lieutenant pointed out.

"I am."

Greydon didn't question it. Instead, as he eyed the hounds that in turn watched him carefully, he sat down opposite me. His eyes were kind, crinkled at the corners but there was a sharpness to him that convinced me that this was not just was a casual conversation.

"You killed Commander Vossen." Greydon murmured. "In front of all of the Paladin Captains."

"He was rude to me." I sniffed.

"I doubt that was the first time people have been rude to you," Greydon reached forward to clasp my hands. "But he did try to kill you. He is allied with this mysterious creature."