Our Contract of Distrust

-- 35 --

Upon Trin's suggestion (aka command) we decide to have weekly meet-ups.

Every Friday evening Feodor drops me at Trin's place where Eddie and I spend the night.

It's been two weeks since the ritual was born. The first night involved nothing much apart from calibrating sleeping arrangements and catching up over tea, but it's obvious that tonight is shaping up to be different.

Trin is different.

She has a determined glint in her eye, showing that she's made up her mind about something. Probably something that involves me, and is likely less than pleasant.

She still waits for us to settle on the couch with fresh mugs of tea before she springs it on us though.

"Okay, I think suddenly throwing Nadia in the deep end wouldn't be the best."

Did that mean no death-lair expedition?

Trin continues, "So we should try systematic desensitisation."

"Syste-what?" Eddie says.

"Systematic desensitisation. There are different forms of it, but the basic idea involves graded exposure."

Eddie's expression makes it clear that she doesn't find that an adequate explanation.

"Okay, so," Trin pauses to consider how to put her thoughts into words, "often they'll teach relaxation techniques, make sure you feel comfortable and safe, and then get you to imagine the place or event, or something you have a phobia of. Just bit by bit, so that whatever it is that's troubling you isn't so overwhelming anymore. Slowly you'll get accustomed to thinking about it, then they might introduce pictures, or tasks to complete out in the real world. Stuff like that."

"Okay, so...?"

"So do you think we can give it a try Nadia?"

I swallow hard. I mean, just thinking about it is surely better than returning to that hell-hole.

I mean, I've thought about it all myself anyway, right?

"Okay." I finally respond.

Trin lets out a breath probably none of us, herself included, realised she was holding.

She smiles lightly, "Okay, good."

Like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders she springs up from the couch, "Anyone want a muffin?"

"What kind of question is that? Yes. Of course," Eddie says.

"Nadia?"

"Yeah, okay."

I think sometimes Trin puts too much pressure on herself. I mean, it's not her responsibility to 'cure' me or something.

Sure, I have issues, but at the end of the day I'm still functioning alright. 

Aren't I?

____________________________

The first time we had one of Trin's 'desensitisation sessions' was exceptionally awkward.

I've never been the type who's gone in for yoga, mindfulness or breathing exercises. Which meant that even the 'relaxation' side of it was awkward.

Eventually I got the hang of breathing though, as ridiculous as that sounds.

Trin, naturally, took on the role of facilitator, while Eddie agreed to go through the motions with me. It's actually weirdly reassuring to know the person beside you is also being forced to close their eyes and breathe on cue.