YOU 1 [Charli D'Amelio]

Chapter 33.

As we reach the table Max lets go of my wrist and pulls out the chair for me to sit down. I feel like my wrist is literally burning from her touch, I rub my fingers over it and she grabs the chair next to me and scoots it across the concrete to sit in directly in front of me. Her chair is so close that her knees are almost touching mine.

"What could you possibly want to talk about?" I ask her in the harshest tone I can muster.

She takes a deep breath and pulls her beanie off again and sits it on the table. I watch as her long fingers run through her hair and she looks into my eyes.

"I am sorry" she says and I look away and focus on the large tree in the backyard. "Did you hear me?" She asks and leans in.

"Yea I heard you" I snap. She is crazier than I thought if she think she can just say sorry and I will forget the horrible things she continues to do to me on an almost daily basis.

"You're so damned difficult to deal with" she says and sits back on her chair. The bottle I tossed into the yard is in her hand and she takes another drink. How is she not passed out from drinking so much?

"I am difficult? You have to be kidding me! What do you expect me to do? You are cruel to me, so cruel." I say and pull my bottom lip between my teeth. I will not cry in front of her. Chase has never made me cry, we have been in a few fights over the years but I have never been upset enough to cry.

"I don't mean to be" her voice is quiet.

"Yes you do and you know it. You do it purposely. I have never been treated this poorly by anyone in my entire life" I bite my lip harder. I can feel the knot in my throat. If I cry she wins. That's what she wants.

"Then why do you keep coming around? Why not just give up?"

"If I.. I don't know but I can assure you after tonight I am not going to . I am going to drop literature and take it next semester" I say, I hadn't planned on doing that until now but it is exactly what I should do.

"Don't, please don't do that"

"Why would you care? You wouldn't want to be forced to be around someone as pathetic as me right?" My blood is boiling. If I knew what to say to hurt her as bad she always hurts me I would.

"I didn't mean that. I am the pathetic one" I release my lip from my teeth and my mouth falls open.

"Well I won't argue with that" I say and she takes another drink. I reach for the bottle and she pulls it away. "So you're the only one who can get drunk?" I ask and a small smile appears on her face. The patio light shines off of her eyebrow ring as she hands me the bottle.

"I thought you were going to toss it again" she says and I put the bottle to my lips. The liquor is warm and tastes like burnt licorice dipped into rubbing alcohol. I gag and Max chuckles.

"How often do you drink?" I ask her. I need to get back to being angry with her after she answers.

"Before tonight it has been about six months" her eyes fall to the floor like she is ashamed.

"Well, you shouldn't drink anymore. It makes you an even worse person than usual"

"You think I am a bad person?" Her tone is serious. Is she that drunk that she would ever consider herself a good person?

"Yes" I breath.

"I'm not. Well maybe I am. I want you to.." she stops.

"You want me to what?" I have to know what she was going to say. I hand her back the bottle and she sits it on the table. I don't want to drink, that one drink was bad enough and I already have terrible judgment around Max as it is.

"Nothing." She tells me and I know she is lying.

Why am I even here? Chase is back in my room waiting for me and here I am wasting even more time on Max.

"I should go" I say and stand up.

"Don't go" My feet stop in their tracks at the pleading tone in her voice. I turn around and she is less than a foot from me.

"Why not? Do you have more insults to throw in my face?" I shout and turn away from her. I feel her hand wrap around my arm and she jerks me back.

"Don't turn your back on me!" She shouts even louder than I did.

"I should have turned my back on you a long time ago!" I scream and push against her chest. "I don't know why I am even here! I came all the way here the second Liam called me! I left my boyfriend who like you said is the only one who can stand to be around me, to come here for you! You know what? You're right Max, I am pathetic. I am pathetic for coming here, I am pathetic for even trying.." I am cut off by her lips against mine.

I push at her chest to stop her but she doesn't budge. Every part of me wants to kiss her back but I stop myself. I feel her tongue trying to pry its way in between my lips and she wraps her arms around me pulling me closer to her despite me continuing to push against her. It's no use, she is stronger than me.

"Kiss me Charli" She says against my lips.

I shake my head and she grunts in frustration.

"Please, just kiss me. I need you" Her words unravel me. This indecent, drunken, terrible person just said she needs me and somehow it sounds like poetry to my ears. Max is like a drug to me, even if I take the tiniest bit of her, I crave more and more. She consumes my thoughts and invades my dreams.

The second my lips part her mouth is on mine again, this time I don't resist. I can't. I know this isn't the answer to my problems and I am just digging myself deeper but that doesn't matter right now. All that matters is her words "I need you" Could Maxxy possibly need me the way I desperately need her? I doubt it but for right now I pretend that she does. She brings one of her hands to cup my cheek and she runs her tongue along my bottom lip. I shudder and she smiles, I hear a rustling noise and pull away. She lets me stop the kiss but she keeps her arms wrapped tightly around me, her body pressed against mine. I look towards the back door and pray that Liam didn't witness my terrible lapse of judgment. I don't see him, thank god.

"I really have to go. We can't keep doing this, its not good for either of us" I tell her and look down.

"Yes we can" she says and lifts my chin up, forcing me to look into her eyes.

"No, we can't. You hate me and I don't want to be your punching bag anymore. You confuse me. One minute you're telling me how much you can't stand me or you're humiliating me after my most intimate experience" she opens her mouth to interrupt me and I put my finger against her pink lips and continue, "then the next minute you are kissing me and telling me you need me. I don't like who I am when I am with you and I hate the way I feel after you say terrible things to me"

"Who are you when you are with me?" She asks.

"Someone I don't want to be, someone who cheats on their boyfriend and cries constantly" I explain.

"You know who I think you are when you are with me?" She runs her thumb along my jawline and I try to stay focused.

"Who?"

"Yourself. I think this is the real you, you're just too busy caring what everyone else thinks about you to realize it" She sounds so honest and sure of her answer that I take a second to really think about her words. "And I know what I did to you after I fingered you." She notices my scowl and continues, "sorry.. after our experience was wrong. I felt terrible after you got out of my car"

"I doubt that" I snap, remembering how much I cried that night.

"It's true, I swear it. I know you think I am a bad person.. but you make me.." Why does she always stop?

"Finish that sentence or I am leaving" I tell him and mean it.

"You.. you make me want to be good, for you... I want to be good for you, Charli"