Sander Sides Oneshots (Smut, fluff and angst)

My heart full of stars

Roman x Deceit (Angst)

!!TRIGGER WARNING!!: Bullying, past self-harm, self-harm, panic attack, attempted suicide.
I'm serious, this is a heavy subject and even I had trouble writing this. If any of you are suffering please talk to someone.

"Roman will you just shut up!" Patton cried, causing Roman and Thomas to flinch. They were all filming and Roman had started to babble when Patton lashed out at him. "Patton-" "No Thomas, I've tried my very hardest to be nice he's just being so fucking annoying!" Patton snapped. Roman jumped back and looked down. Patton never swore, especially not at someone else. "I'm-I'm sorry Pat." Roman sobbed, tears brimming at his eyes.

 He'd noticed the sides were starting to get tired of him but this just hurt. He'd always been good at hiding his feelings and issues from the others but had to resort to more dangerous ways to cope. Deceit was the only one he felt he could talk to and slowly began to catch feelings for him. Not that he would ever tell anyone that.

"Patton's right." Logan agreed, fixing his glasses in a way that showed he was frustrated. "Your input hasn't been helpful lately and unless you put in some actual effort I don't see a point in keeping you around." Logan finished, rolling his eyes at the creative side. That one stung more than a little. Roman always wanted to help the others and being told he wasn't helping when he was already laking sleep from overworking himself too hard really cut deep. "I'm trying... I promise I really am it's just-"

"We don't care!" Virgil mocked, snarling at Roman and immediately cutting right through the creative sides final strand of hope. "We're all here, helping and working while you can't be anything but useless. Typical." Anxiety growled, pulling his jacket tighter around him. Roman suddenly felt like the walls were pushing in around him, his breathing getting frantic and laboured. "I'm sorry." He sobbed, hugging himself as he started to shake.  

"Roman?" Thomas asked, a worried look across his face. Roman quickly slipped on a mask of a smile and turned to Thomas. "I'm all good Thomas. I-I just think I need a breather." Roman mumbled before quickly sinking into his room. Thomas sighed and rubbed his eyes. "As much as you guys might not like it, we can't film without Roman." That got several groans of annoyance from the others as they sank to their rooms.

Roman collapsed and held himself as his whole body racked with sobs. He pulled at his hair as his eyes glazed over in a panic. He had never had a panic attack this bad before but still managed to not completely hyperventilate. He screamed and cried for hours before standing and moving shakily to his desk. He pulled out his favourite pen and six pieces of paper.

Dear Thomas,
Thank you for putting up with me and appreciating me (or at least trying to) when no one else would. I'm glad I was able to help you for as long as I did and I hope you're better off without me.

Dear Virgil,
Thank you for smiling at my stupid band references and teasing me about my nicknames. You made me smile and laugh and for that, I am so thankful. You'll always be my favourite emo and hope you're better off without me.

Dear Logan,
Thank you for always trying to reign me in, despite how brash I tend to be. I appreciate that you had debates and arguments with me (including the rap) even though I was always going to lose. You're the final winner Lo. I'm happy for you. You can have my Crofters.

Dear Patton,
Thank you for looking after us and putting us first even when you should've reached out for help. We may not say it much but we all love you and you keep us together. I'm so sorry for being selfish but please look after the others.  

Dear Remus,
Hey big bro. I love you. I know I never showed it but you mean so much to me. Thank you for being an amazing big brother to me no matter what and I'm sorry I never showed. Oh and, you can play the prince now.

Dear Dee,
I have a little secret. I'm completely totally madly in love with you and I will probably miss you the most. I know this is bad timing and I wish I could've told you sooner but I was terrified. I know, shocker right? But thank you, thank you for understanding and listening to me. I love you no matter what. 

Roman sighed all the letter with a shaky hand before sealing them and addressing them on the front before sending them each to the other rooms. He smiled shakily and sighed, moving to the bathroom and sitting down. He ran his clammy shaky hands through his hair as he sighed. He summoned a small box with small red blades inside it. He took the out carefully and studying them fondly before pressing it softly to his skin.

"You are my sunshine..." Roman choked out between sobs, "My only sunshine. Y-You, make me happy, when skies are grey. You'll never notice how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away." Roman hiccupped, tears running freely down his cheeks as he began to shake again. He brought the blae to his skin and pushed till he saw blood. He immediately loved the numbness and relaxed into it.

"Roman?!"

~A/N~

So. I feel like Roceit and you already know I love angsty boy Roman. Also I'M SO NERVOUS FOR THE NEW EPISODE OML. If they hurt Roman someone will pay. Thanks, peeps!

Sincerely Yours,

AW