Our New Year
by. @mariescribble
Ang mga magagandang fireworks na nagpuputukan sa kalangitan ay siyang nagdala ng ngiti sa aming dalawa. Ang malamig na hangin na yumayakap sa aming katawan ay kasing lamig naming dalawa. I sighed.
"May dalawang taong nakalaan na magtagpo at iparamdam sa isa't isa na sila'y isa at nagmamahalan, pero hindi natin maitatago ang malagim na tadhana na kadalasan sa mga taong ito ay may limitadong oras lamang..." He started. My heart beats fast. I chose to stared at the colorful sky, 'cause it prevents my tears from falling.
"I think the years we've spent together is enough to call it we're one of those 'pinagtagpo, pero hindi itinadhana'. Thank you for being part of my life for 6 years, Jemie." Humarap siya sa akin na may malungkot na ngiti. Hinawakan niya ang magkabilang balikat ko't iniharap sa kanya. Hindi ko napigilan ang aking mga luha.
He wiped it off and smiled. His smile says, "please smile, 'cause you're strong." Humihikbi na ako habang patuloy pa rin siya sa pagtitig sa akin at pagpupunas sa aking mga luha sa pisnge.
"I want to end my 2019 being friend with you, Jemie. I want to end 'us' with us being cool with each other. Kasi hindi ka na iba, e. You played a big role in my life. I want to say sorry for falling out of love, I want to say sorry kasi nahulog ako sa iba. Kasi kung patuloy tayong magsama at ipilit ang hindi dapat, hindi pa rin na'tin matatakasan ang tadhana na tayo'y hindi para sa isa't isa. Thank you kasi ikaw 'yung nagturo sa akin paano magmahal, pinaramdam mo sa akin ang mahalin." He hugged me tight, I hugged him back. I hugged him tight. Sana maramdaman niya sa yakap ko na ayaw kong bumitaw siya.
"Masaya ka n-naman sa kanya, hindi ba?" I managed to ask him, voice is shaking, eyes were swollen.
"Sobrang saya ko sa kanya, Jemie. Hindi siya mahirap mahalin." And that broke my already shattered poor heart. Sobrang sakit na maging parte lang sa anim na taon mo, masakit sa parte ko kasi umasa ako na matatapos ang taon na 'to na ikaw pa rin ang kapiling ko.
"Then, I shouldn't be sad. Masaya ka na, e. Tsaka panget mo 'no! kapag talaga ako nakahanap ng better sa'yo, nakuu!" And I decided to hide my pain, 'cause I already learned that he's happy.
Bumitaw siya sa yakap at hinarap ako na natatawa. Ginulo niya ang buhok ko't pinisil ang mga pisnge ko. Things he always does whenever he finds me cute. I missed us.
His phone beeped. He looked at me na parang namamaalam na. "I need to go, Jemie. It's almost 12am, I promised to start my 2020 with her. Be home, safe and sound." He held my hands once again and smiled, then he slowly walked away. I watched him vanished in my sight and also in my life.
Maybe, he's right. We were destined to be together, but never in the rest of our lives. Maybe, the 6 years for being together is enough to call that it's over. Ayaw ko naman na ikulong siya sa sarili ko, lalo na't hindi na ako 'yung kasiyahan niya. Ayaw kong ipilit ang sarili ko sa taong bumitaw na.
Sobrang sakit isipin na bumitaw siya, na tumalikod siya at binitawan mga kamay ko para hawakan ang kamay ng matalik kong kaibigan. Sobrang sakit isipin ang mga pangako niyang napako. It hurts me so much, because I thought he was the one given from above. And it hurts even more to think that I was just meant to teach him how to love, and to make him feel he's loved.
It's too hard to hold unto someone especially when that someone has found his new home, it's too hard to tell him I'm in pain when I can clearly see in his eyes that he's so much happy. It's too hard to hold unto someone especially when that someone let go of you and the memories you spent together. And it's too hard to tell him that I'm pregnant with his baby.
January 01, 2020. My feelings never changed, still you. I'm starting this year alone, strong and independent.
