Sink or Swim

November

Chapter Song: Me + Ur Ghost- Blackbear

"I know it's already the end of the season but you can always come back to the club team," Coach Carter suggested.

For some reason I found myself wandering the halls after class today. I let my hands drag across the cool concrete while I walked letting my mind disappear.

It was only the beginning of the year but everything was feeling like too much. College, boys, and even swim. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't seem to escape.

Without even realizing I somehow ended up at the pool. I wasn't mad about it. The familiar humidity greeted my skin as I entered the building running right into our coach.

It was funny how when I was little the scent of chlorine always made me crinkle my nose. I used to hate it, but some days I found myself missing it.

"How'd the team do this season?" I asked him trying to change the subject. I didn't even want to broach the topic of swimming again. It was too soon. Too raw.

I shifted my weight onto one hip crossing my arms. I watched as they all did laps slapping against the water causing ripples. Everything was familiar. My body even began to ache.

"Good. I'm sure you know that Tyler is going to state in all his events and is waiting to hear back from some scouts. Kylie too, she's been doing really well," he smiled. He was always like our dad. So proud of all our accomplishments.

Though I could tell he was sad about something. Maybe it was that his favorite star swimmers were graduating. All the years he spent building everyone up and molding them was for this. But I think we all forget that the day we prepare for actually comes. It no longer has to do with daydreaming or planning but the real thing. It was almost terrifying.

"That's amazing!" I forced a smile. Of course, I knew and of course, I was proud.

"I wish you would have stuck it out. I would have loved to see you up on the podium one last time kid." He gave me a half-smile as if saying what can you do.

"I'm sorry," I bit my lip. "It's just something about it that didn't seem right anymore. I knew I shouldn't have quit the way I did, but I just couldn't take it anymore. It all became too much."

"What happened at that meet anyway?"

I gave him a shrug while my attention grazed towards a couple of freshman girls giggling towards Ty and his relay team. Of course, they were oblivious but the girls had googley eyes for them. It made me miss my freshman year when we would ogle the seniors. Those were the days.

Finally, I broke the silence, "Uh my mom." I coughed a little trying to get the words out. They were uncomfortable in my mouth.

He just stared at me with confused eyes. Not everyone knew, but I thought he did. Maybe he just wanted to hear it from me.

"My real mom left years ago and moved to California. Turns out she coaches for Berkeley's gymnastics team and she decided to come to the meet with the scout since they're buddies. That was the first time I had seen her since she left."

"No shit," he breathed. I couldn't tell if he was surprised or impressed. Maybe a little bit of both. "You always did like putting on a show though," he smirked at me. "You leaving the way you did I was a little impressed. But don't tell anyone I said that."

"Scouts honor," I crossed my heart giggling. 

There wasn't much I could say. Not the anxiety that took over my entire body as I stepped behind the block each time. Or how her thoughts used to work her way into my head before a race or in my dreams.

I hadn't really had anything like that since I quit. But I also went to therapy this summer and that helped.

"You know you're always welcome to come back though everyone misses you," he Gabe me a slight pat on the shoulder.

"Thank you." It wasn't a yes, but it wasn't a no either. 

"Even if you wanted to just come to see everyone or be on your own," he began to walk away but stopped.  Turning around he tossed something at me. I caught it and the cool metal felt familiar in my palm.

He nodded at me with his signature tight-lipped smile before sauntering off to yell at the freshman girls. I couldn't help but look at the key and smile to myself.

Maybe one day I'd return. Maybe I wouldn't. But it was nice to have a choice.

———-

Very short chapter! But I just felt like we needed to include a little bit of swimming back into Kenny's life! Didn't want it to just drop off the face of the planet you know?

Hope y'all are liking it so far! Let me know your thoughts! ❤️