Say You Love Me

{21}

The one place she knew she could find someone as alone as she was Severus, but it was hard to be in his presence. The wedding was so close, and they had not talked about dates quite yet. She wanted to know if he might attend with her, but her nerves were getting the best of her as they sat there in amicable silence.  Hermione wondered about many things as they sat there glancing towards the ocean, so of course, it would only be natural her curiosity might take hold. 

"Where did you live before this?"

Severus didn't look at her when he spoke. In fact, he barely even moved his body except for the obvious clutch he held on his tea.

"Spinner's End. Ruddy corner of the country, I wouldn't go back if it brought all those who died in the war back to the plane of the living."

Hermione was slightly startled by such a revelation, yet she wasn't prepared to inquire further about it. However, he seemed ready to volunteer the information.

"The amount of bloody death eaters that would find their way there was a horrifying number. And as many that are gone are also still roaming about unknowingly, and they could easily scope me out there. They know I live. But, not here."

"Good," Hermione said softly.

"I suppose. My neck pierces with pain when I think about it. They would finish the job Nagini could not."

He used his free hand to grab his neck, and Hermione wanted to do so herself, or to possibly replace his fingertips with her lips. The temptation stung her into awareness, knowing that it would be plain stupid for her to bring him on the roller coaster wave that was her life and their relationship once again. 

"That's sad."

"Yes, Hermione, an astute observation indeed. Regardless, I grew up in that house, and my childhood was not sunshine and daisies, either."

"I'm sorry."

"Do not be," he muttered, looking out at the view that she could never tire of. She should have transported herself and Harry to a beach while they were hunting horcruxes, it would have made everything far more bearable. 

"Merlin, I can't stop thinking about the war lately."

More like death, but this was a better segue. She couldn't get death off her mind, considering her current position. 

"A terrible subject to not be able to remove your mind from," he agreed, a sip of tea after. 

"How did you do it?"

Severus scoffed. "Which part?"

"All of it. Being a double agent... betraying both of your masters, but only one on purpose. How did Dumbledore even know you were loyal to him?"

A sigh of great effort left him, and finally he seemed to turn his attention back to her. His eyes were intense black, and while the color never changed, the formation of the skin around them did. He was focused, leaned over as though this was important information. And to Hermione it was. 

"I just... did. And Dumbledore was a master legillimens. He knew from the moment I stepped into the room that I was ready to pledge loyalty to him. Even after Mr. Potter's mother..."

Hermione was shocked at the way he spoke of Lily. Even she referred to the dead woman with her name. Either he wasn't able to say it, or that pang was far gone. 

"And I was never ready for what Voldemort did. I didn't care about blood or power. I had a terrible ego and spot of hatred for muggles, but nothing beyond that. Not enough to kill."

Her next question came without her consent, it slipped from her mouth, a worry that might have plagued her a lot longer than she cared to admit. 

"Was Dumbledore the only one?"

"I wish he were." His answer was small, quiet, and ashamed. He'd done his best over the years to make sure it was no more than necessary, he explained. Dumbledore was not the only one. 

It saddened Hermione. 

"Somehow I avoided most of it over the years... avoided being told to carry out an order of which I could not always mean. And then Albus asked me to... It was an unbearable thought. To kill one of the few men I trusted in this world, but he was dying anyways. It was mercy."

Severus spoke these words like they kept him sane, and Hermione imagined they did. She imagined that they had been repeated a million times, that they were tattooed on his brain in a horribly shaky font. She imagined it hurt. 

"I'm sorry I asked, I didn't mean to flesh it out-"

"Do not be sorry. I did what he asked of me, and never stopped. I gave what I was told to give, nothing more... nothing less."

Hermione nodded and took a sip of her tea, finding there was nothing else to do. 

"It explains why you were so awful in school."

"Nothing explains that," he scoffed. "It was unbidden and ruthless. A persona I knew the Dark Lord would care to see when I allowed him into my mind. If I was even the least bit kind he would have broken me... or at least thought he could have."

"Excuse enough, I think. Under the circumstances."

"If you say so, Hermione." 

His voice was aloe on a wound, and she wished that the circumstances were different now... that she was in his arms and not playing a horrible game with him. Honestly, she was lucky she was even at his home right then considering how icy things between them were. He was still working on her cure, however, and he wasn't completely opposed to her presence. 

"I appreciate the protection you did provide for us, however. The sword in the forest... third year when Professor Lupin attacked us, and all the other times I am sure I don't know about."

"That time you took my potions your first year? I wasn't shocked when I learned you had gotten past them, but it was certainly a hit to my ego."

"Riddles have always been my favorite," she said with a grin. 

Things might not ever be the same between them, but Hermione was more than willing to just have him beside her as a friend when the time came. It wasn't what either one of them wanted, however. 

Hermione finally got to what she had come there for... besides the company of course. 

"Do you have a date to the wedding, Severus?"

He gave an indicative smirk. "I do... do you, Hermione?"

She wasn't expecting him to say yes, so Merlin forgive her for the lie. 

"Yes."

It came out as more of a question, but Severus accepted it nonetheless. Where was the fighting, the betrayal? Probably hidden under all those damnable shields he kept up. Though she doubted they ware as thick as they were before. 

"And this wizard might be?"

"Oh," Hermione couldn't lie like that, and she immediately shook her head, feeling awful. "I'm not actually, I just... didn't hear what you said."

Not that she'd said it believably, but Severus didn't buy her lie, only let it slide for seemingly no other reason than a glance over to the ocean. 

If there had been more courage in her, or she hadn't fumbled the conversation already, Hermione might have had the audacity to ask who he was attending with... and why it wasn't her.