Wait for me to come Home

Chapter 48

The next morning, Jennie was sat behind the desk in her study, staring down at the blank piece of paper in front of her. She was trying to think about what to write back to Lisa – the things she wouldn't tell her later.

To Lisa,

I wish you were here last night; it was a really weird night. But I did it! I've spent the past few weeks thinking about what you said, and so I swallowed my pride and I apologized to my mom, and then she apologized to me and I think we both honestly regretted our fight. We're both trying to move past this, which is what I'm hoping for, but she wants us to go to therapy. I'll probably tell you this when you phone later, but I can't help but laugh about how contradictive I feel right now because I told you that you should seek help when you come home, and here I am, feeling skeptical about going to therapy with my mom. I guess it just reminds me of the years I went, and I thought I was past all of it, but I guess there are still things I need to work on. I'm trying to do this for everyone though, not just for myself. It's not going to work if I don't try.

I've also been thinking a lot about relationships with other people. You told me I needed people – people that were mine, not ones that came from our relationship – and you were right. I've told you I'm trying to make friends, and it's going well, I think. But that's not what I've been thinking about. I've been thinking about how different things would be if I'd decided to stay in my office that day, or if you'd come in for a coffee half an hour earlier and been able to find an empty table. We never would have met. I like to think that we would have met either way, because I don't want to imagine a world where we didn't. All I can think of is if I'd missed that smile you gave me; I would have missed the rest of my life.

You know, sometimes I forget how much I've changed since I met you. They say you can't change someone by loving them, but that's not true. I guess what they mean to say is that you can't force someone to change if they don't want to, but you can definitely change someone with love. I'm grateful for it. I don't really know what kind of person I was before, but I know I prefer the one I am now. You make me a better person, and that's a fact. I was so alone for the longest time that for a while I used to think I was undeserving of love. I got good at being alone, and I would tell myself it was because I would never find love because I wasn't built for it. That wasn't true though, because the moment I met you, your smile changed everything, and the moment your hand first slipped into mine, it was like my hands were built to only hold your hands, and the first time we kissed it was like my lips were only made to kiss only yours. Anyway, I keep thinking about all these things and I realize that I was wrong – although I hate to admit it. It's not that I was ever undeserving of love, it was the exact opposite; I just had to find the people who wanted to love me. I truly feel like I found those people with you, and my mom and your family. I think you can understand that more than anyone, how much it means to have someone want you when you have no one left.

This letter got depressing really quickly, sorry! I'm not sure if you can read it anyway. I had to write it with my left hand because of this ridiculous cast, and I'm not as good. Anyway, the whole point is I underestimated you and your fortune cookies of love, and since that moment, I have learnt to never under estimate anything ever again. Which is probably why, with everything going on in my life at the moment, I've been thinking about the past a lot. I guess I under estimated a lot of things that have happened – well, how much these things have affected me. I think most of all, I under estimated my mom. I know she never meant to hurt me – it doesn't change the fact that she did, but I under estimated how much she loved me because I made it so hard for her to show it. Thank you for pushing me to try and fix things with her. We haven't really solved anything, and we've taken a few steps backwards, but I feel like I've changed enough to want to work through this, which is something I've never wanted to do. Even over the past few months, I have a sneaking suspicion that I was just waiting for the chance to self-sabotage this whole thing, because if I'm being honest, I'm still scared about having a normal relationship with her. You'd think it'd be easy, after all, I get along great with your mom, but I guess what frightens me the most is that this is my mom. Before I make any solid conclusions though, I guess I'll have to see how therapy goes. I'm sure it'll be interesting. I just wish you were here to talk to about all of this. Being able to see your face on a screen and hear your voice is the best part of my day, but it's just not the same. I miss you more every day.