Raindrops.

Chapter 5 - Josh

As the rain began to pour again, streaming down his face, just like every day, he could no longer distinguish between what were his tears and what was just the rain. The rain was almost smooth and caring, but also harsh and spiteful. As if to remind him how sharp and bitter he was. Ever since the incident at least.

He began to think over his discussion with Tyler. No, that seemed too formal, Ty. Much better. He kept thinking about how his glossy brown hair blew slightly in the wind, not enough to make him look stupid, but just enough to make him look amazing. Not that he needed much help with that. He kept thinking about his bright and almost pearlescent eyes and the way the light bounced off them, his slim but not quite lanky figure, to be honest, he wasn't exactly tall enough to be considered lanky, but Josh didn't mind. He was so... handsome...

But Josh didn't have a chance with him. 
He knew he didn't.
He didn't have a chance with anyone.

He regretted every hope he'd ever had, every word he'd ever said to him. He shouldn't have called him cute. What was he thinking!? He probably thought he was weird now and probably wouldn't go near him again. Great job Josh, just as always, you've ruined everything. He could never manage to do anything right, not even the most simple of things. He'd always been a failure and nobody could disagree -  it was the truth. Not even his own mother wanted him, hence why she was always out drinking. She was never home, but when she was she hardly cared about Josh. Or anything for that matter. All she cared about was herself and her drink. She'd come home, always in a flurry of rage. She'd punch the nearest thing to her, whether it was an object, or alive...

He reached into his top drawer, grabbed some of his things and headed to the field. He didn't care if it was raining or not...

As he slouched just below the tree he always sat at, he looked down on the river again. The nature was so beautiful, but the humans were so cruel... 

Just last summer, a bridge had been built over the river to allow cars to pass across. Sure, it was great, it allowed people to be more easily connected with each other, but it ruined everything good about that river. Stripped it of its beauty almost. Apparently the river agreed because toward the end the bridge crossed, it was littered and dusty looking almost, a grey-ish brown murk filled the waters. But up toward the untouched end, the algae and surrounding plants flourished, the tadpoles swam free of litter and the sun hit the clear rushing waters at just the right angle to make them sparkle. That made Josh happy. Seeing something flourish, grow and be happy itself - it gave him hope for what he didn't have much of, and anyway, who doesn't enjoy something beautiful?

Josh threw his head back against the tree trunk. It hurt slightly but not enough to satisfy his urge. He wanted blood and he was going to get it. Even if it did mean another scar for his collection...

He pulled the blade from his bag and watched it twinkle in the small amount of light peaking over the horizon. The sky was a pink-red colour, and soon enough, Josh's arm would be too...

He pressed the blade into the skin, deeper and deeper than he ever had before and watched the blood not just trickle out, it poured out. It stained the dirt red as he sat there watching it flow contently, just like the river. He began to carve. Wounding, distressing and sickening slurs. He almost enjoyed carving rather than cutting. He could turn his scars into something much better and something much more hurtful to look at. Something that would remind him of his guilt and stupidity. Something that would remind him of his shame and his suffering. Something for everyone to see to let them know how useless, obnoxious, repulsive and horrible he was. Give them something worth laughing at. Maybe if he just killed himself, maybe then they'd all see. See how vile, hateful, hideous, ghastly and hostile he was. 

Maybe then that would give them something worth gossiping about...

But this still wasn't enough for Josh.
He needed more.
His eyes followed a tadpole up the river.
The bridge.
He gathered all his things and began to walk...

The closer he got to the bridge, the uglier and darker the world seemed. Everything was either built, removed or stolen from nature to fit our needs. The world was so selfish. We were so selfish. We didn't care about anything other than ourselves. Everything was all about us. Why couldn't it just stop? Why couldn't it all just stop? Why didn't the incident get stopped?

Why couldn't Josh stop?

His feet we're slowly approaching the edge of the railing, and a very short railing it was. It was almost as if the bridge itself, the very thing that was going to kill him, was even telling him it didn't care and it would rather him be gone...

His feet couldn't stop, every second he made another step until he was so close to the edge that the slightest breeze could knock him and end it all...

A voice inside his head...

Jump.