Fool's Paradise

Chapter 4

My eyes open again unfortunately, this time it's nine-thirty. I don't know what day it is. The sun is too bright for my liking, but the curtains are so thin that it wouldn't make a difference if I shut them. Dammit.

I slowly rise, walking over to window to greet the day with a middle finger to the sky. I am not happy. Not in the least. I'm gazing at the view of the mountains, when the door opens. It was the nurse from last night and this time she has a new tray of food. Glorious food. The only positive in this damn place.

She greeted me while replacing the old tray with the new one. "How was your morning, Ms. Thatcher?"

"Awful." I say with a bright smile and the nurse chuckles. "May I see my son now?" I ask after.

"I'll ask the doctor now, just wait a moment." She leaves the room to retrieve Doctor Conam.

Leaning my back against the window's ledge, I look around the room again for the millionth time and decide to pay attention to detail. The walls are all white. Most of the light that fills the room is from the window on the right of the hospital bed which rests with the headrest against the wall in the center of the room. There is some medical equipment above the headrest. I don't know what they are and I don't really care either. The small IKEA looking table stands right beside the bed with the tray of food on it.

The tube attached to my hand connects me to the IV pole to the right of me. It still makes me feel bilious.

Everything is bothering me and I can't help but feel that something has changed. I'm just so angry, all the time. I can't help it. Martin is dead and my brain isn't taking it seriously. It's frustrating and the fucking doctor keeps insisting that there is nothing wrong. I don't believe him. My leg still hurts a lot. I need to see someone. Some specialist or something...

What is taking the doctor so long?

Why do I feel nauseous? Why is Martin calling me? Why the hell wasn't I happy to hear him? Who the fuck is this psychopath giggling 'Teehee' all over the place? Why I'm I calm? Am I the one going crazy? Am I the psychopath? I feel like there something wrong with me inside. I feel sick mentally and physically. 

There are times where I can't even breathe properly... Like there is some sort of mass that's lodged in my chest and no matter how many times I try to breathe deeply, I just can't get it out. I can't eat either, every time I try to my chest feels like it's being compressed by two walls.

The door opens again, disturbing my thoughts and Dr. Conam enters once more. He greets me good morning, I grab onto my IV stand and we leave the room and head towards Theo.

Walking down the hall with Dr. Conam, I start feeling something at the pit of my stomach. Suddenly, I don't want to see Theo anymore. I'm scared to see him. But why? That's a stupid question... I already know why.

I can't see Theo anymore. What right do I have? His father is gone, and I let it happen. What can I do for him? How can I confront my baby and tell him that his father is dead and that I'm being haunted by ghosts? I couldn't even protect him... I just told him to run and left him to aid Martin. What was even the point of that? I wouldn't have been able to take on the murderers anyway. I could've been useful and protected Theo, taking us both to safety. Maybe we could've called out for help and even Martin would've been alright. I'm such a fucking idiot. I'm useless.

There were times after that, where Theo wasn't even my first thought or priority. I slow my walking to a stop and look down at my feet.

I've failed him.

What kind of mother fails to remember their own child? Especially at such a time like this. I don't deserve to see him.

"Something wrong, Ms. Thatcher?" Dr. Conam stops when he realized I wasn't behind him anymore.

"I... I want to go back." I say meekly, not looking at him. "I can't see him."

"Why not?" He asks confused.

"I couldn't protect him..." I say weakly, as I feel my eyes starting to burn.

I hear Dr. Conam sigh out in what I think is frustration. I'm causing trouble for him.

I lift my head nervously to look at him. 

"Ms. Thatcher, I'm sure he wants to see you very much, but I would also like to inform you that at the moment he is actually not awake." 

Huh?

 "Like I said, he is indeed in stable condition. However, he has yet to awake since the accident that day."

What?! "He isn't awake?"

"No, he isn't."

I pause for a moment, looking down again at both our shoes... I have no right... but I still want to. I'm so selfish.

Looking back up at Dr. Conam, I give him a small smile and he returns it. He turns to continue walking, gesturing me to follow.

"Morin..." My ears twitch. Martin's back. I turn a 180 to face his voice, only to hear him say my name again behind me. I turn again to make the full 360. Like always, he's not there.

"Morin, don't go."