𝕄𝕪 𝕣𝕠𝕠𝕞𝕞𝕒𝕥𝕖 𝕚𝕤 𝕒 𝕤𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕒𝕝 𝕜𝕚𝕝𝕝𝕖𝕣 / 𝕨𝕠𝕠𝕤𝕒𝕟

chapter 20

"What...? What did you not tell me? What truth?"
"Try to calm down first."
"I am calm." I said but that was a complete lie because actually I was scared. Really scared.
"Just tell me!"
"Alright. Please don't take this to your heart sweatheart. Don't forget that we'll always love you, no matter what happens.
I'll start from the beginning. Almost eighteen years ago me and your dad walked through the streets of the cold city. It was my worst year and every day seemed heavier that the one before. What did I expect? The doctor told me that I couldn't have a child and one of my biggest dreams just shattered in front of my eyes like that. Your father tried to calm me down but it was useless. We were walking through a dark and empty area of the city to get some privacy when we suddenly heard the crying of a baby. It was full of pain and lonelyness and when we followed the sound it led us to a fallen over dumpster. Right in the middle of the trash and old plastic bottles we saw a small baby. Just a few days old, naked, everywhere was blood but there was no sign of injuries. I slowly walked closer and when the baby saw me comming he suddenly stopped crying.
Carefully I picked him up. The baby was shivering like crazy and weighed almost nothing and we didn't hestitate to run to the hospital and help the boy. If we would have been there only an hour later, it might have been too late. Nobody knew where the little boy came from or who put him there and he had no home. So I did everything I could to make him stay with us. Since the moment our eyes met I already considered him our son so we took him with us and raised him to be a good person. I love him much more than anyone else in this world. My Sannie. My baby. My son."

Time stood still. I wanted to scream, to cry, to try to understand but there was just emptiness. Now the last two people I had put my full trust in turned out to not even be related to me. I was right. Had been right the whole time. Who was Choi San? A nobody, a freak, a guy that made peoples lives difficult and who was destined to die since his birth.
"S- Sannie, please say something." The woman sobbed on the phone.
"I'll always be your mother, okay? That won't change the fact that we are a family and that I love you."

"I... don't have a mother."
I pressed the button to end the call and jumped of my seat when the bus came to a stop. It had arrived at his destination and about 100 meters away I could spot the house that I had considered my home until now.
What home did I even have? I belonged nowhere.

With fast steps I made my way to the front door and didn't hestitate to open it with the keys I had. On the table in the kitchen there was a package wrapped in colorful paper.
Slowly I took it in my shaking hands and opened it.

It was a book, a photo book full of pictures of myself, with friends and family when I was little, grew older until half a year ago. On every page there was a text written or some other letters or things glued there.
My first time on a bike. The day when I learned walking. My first experience with animals... everything... it must have taken weeks even months to make this.
"Wh- why?" I stuttered and all the emotions that were frozen inside my heart were streaming out at once. A stream of tears was flowing down my face and I couldn't stop the sobs and screams anymore.
My legs became wobbly and I fell to the floor crying the soul out of myself.
Why did this happen to me. I couldn't live like that. I loved the people who lived here and yet they broke my heart in so many ways. How could I even look them in the eye anymore?

Hopelessly, I tried to sit up but bumped my head into the table causing a can of orange juice to fall down. However I didn't feel the pain and could only stare at the shattered glas and the pages of the photo book that were soaked in juice.

I destroyed something again. I destroyed their present for me.

"WHY?!"

I grabbed the book and smashed it against the wall.

"WHY ME!"

I kicked it again and again and all the pictures and pages were spread over the floor and ripped in pieces.

"I HATE MYSELF!"

With a hard punsh I pushed open the door and ran out, across the street and to a field near the forest next to the village. My fists were bleeding but I didn't care. They'd heal anyways.

I just wanted to go far away and die by myself.
So I ran across the field, not knowing where I went and didn't stop for 2 hours. I didn't even know where I was anymore. A forest? Never been here... it was cold.
Bushes were scratching my arms and legs and my clothes were ripped at some spots. What time was it? Where was I?

Then the trees got fewer and I could finally see the sky again. It was very clouded and the cold wind was blowing through my hair. Everything seemed grey and colorless, even the sun was hiding behind the clouds.
The dryed tears on my cheeks were only small signs of what was left inside of me. It wasn't angryness anymore, and it wasn't emptiness. It was self hatred.

I continued walking until I reached the end of the cliff I was standing on.
I hated myself for hating the people that raised me and I hated myself for loving someone that could never give up his own dreams for me. I hated that I was different and nonexistend and I hated that I could never help anyone with anything.

Small drops of rain fell from the sky and soon my hair was all wet but I didn't bother to hide somewhere. The cold was not cold enough to kill me.

Suddenly my phone started ringing again. Should I pick up? I didn't want to.
But it didn't stop so I slowly took it out and placed the speaker on my ear.
"Who...?" my voice sounded raw and got swallowed by the loud noise of the rain.
"San? San are you there? It's Seonghwa. You said you'd be back by 4 pm and it's already 6pm. Did something happen? Everyone is waiting for you. We wanted to celebrate together. We... planed a surprise party."

"Oh... it's 6 already. I'm sorry. I guess I can't do anything right."
I walked closer to the edge.

"Wait San. Where are you? Are you outside? And why does your voice sound like that? Are you sure everything is alright?"

Carefully I looked down at the wild and raging river about 200 meters deep down.
Sharp rocks were on the ground everywhere.
"It's so beautiful down there." I mumbled.

"Where? What are you talking about? San I'm starting to worry. ... What's going on?" I heard Yeosang's voice in the background. Of course all of them gathered. They'd have more fun if I wasn't there anyways.
"Do you think there are fish in there? Maybe they can make use of me."

"Are you near a lake? Seriously were are you?"

"I guess I'll try, don't I? If all my bones are shattered and I drown in the water there is no way I'll survive. How high is this? 150 meters? 200 meters?"
There was a moment of silence before Hwa started yelling.

"SAN! WHERE EVER YOU ARE, DON'T DO IT. DON'T JUMP. DO YOU LISTEN TO ME! Go back! Talk to me! We are here for you!"
"Who even is Choi San? He belongs nowhere and nobody will miss him..."
I slowly said in a monotone voice.
The water looked really pleasant. Calm coldness that let everything go numb if someone would go in there. I heard the ravenette calling for me.

"That's not true, San. Everyone of us loves you. So don't jump and tell me where you are, alright?"
I fell forward and over the edge.
The wind blew through my hair and the rain made it hard to see.
It felt like flying.
"So this is what jumping down a cliff feels like... it is like flying"

"SAN!"

It was Wooyoung's voice on the phone but I barrely heard him in the rushing of the wind.

"I'm sorry Woo. I'm already falling."
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I kinda thought of "The Untamed" while writing about San falling down a cliff. Go watch it if you're bored... at the end of that Drama, plot twists are gonna turn the whole story upside down ans I was like damn... why am I crying... fuck this is sad.