Blinded By Love | COMPLETED

Chapter | Alyys

One week later...

What happens when two damaged souls come together? They try to fix each other. One a little more than the other, loving a little harder than the other. Showing how much they care, a little more. But just enough to make the other realize that they don't show enough. So they will try. They will try harder and harder, hoping they can repair the damaged soul within. Not realizing they will only damage it more.

They will fall back into their old habits, even though they might have sworn to never go back to them. Everything they promised, everything they said they would never do again. Until they realize how much more the other shows. And it all happens again.

The cycle will happen again. And again. And again. And then two things can happen. One will either step away, ask themselves what they are doing, and realizing that they need to heal their own damaged soul.

Or, one makes a mistake. They slip up, create chaos, stumble upon their problem. They will make the other see how damaged they are, how there is nothing that can save them from each other. And it doesn't matter how much love there is, one will eventually decide that they need to leave.

It has been a week. A whole week. Seven days. I needed to live for seven days without you. And I would be lying if I said that it wasn't hard. It has been so goddamn hard.

I feel myself feeling around for you in the morning, wanting to feel your arms around me as you whisper a soft 'good morning' in my ear.

I feel myself almost saying 'hi' when I come back from the supermarket. I did it a few times, though. The only thing I heard was my voice, softly echoing as I realized I was alone.

I was alone. I am alone. I feel so alone.

There are nights where I'll just lay in bed in silence. I will let my mind bring back everything. The whole night. Every feeling and picture and sentence that has been said or felt that night, will come back. I will see your face again. I will see her face again.

I will see how you held her so close, like you always did with me. Your hands on her waist, like you always did when you held me. I will feel how I want to scream again, but I stay silent. Sometimes it stays with silence. Sometimes tears stream down my face in silence. Sometimes it's both. But I always miss you.

There are days where I will ignore everything and anything. I won't even look at my phone. I haven't changed my lock screen yet. It's still you. It has always been you. From day one. On those days I will sit in the living room, staring out of the window. I will lay down, sit up straight, walk around the house, make up the bed for the third time.

I won't open the door if there is someone. I won't answer calls, not even when it is Caleb. I will make myself dinner but I won't take one bite of it. I will feel how I want to scream again, but I stay silent. Sometimes it stays with silence. Sometimes tears stream down my face in silence. Sometimes it's both. But I always miss you.

And there are days where I will snap. I will scream at you. I will blame you for everything you've done. I will throw the pillows around the house, breaking glasses and plates as tears stream down my face. I will stare at myself in the mirror for a moment before I force my first against it. Believe it or not, but I have the strength to break a mirror.

My screaming will turn into soft whimpers as I cry my heart out. On those days I won't stay silent. I can't stay silent. The silence is killing me from the inside. This silent house is killing me, slowly, but that doesn't make it less painful.

Today was one of those days. I snapped, for the third time that day. The neighborhoods will probably hate me at this point, they could hear everything. They could hear the heat broken cries and screams, how my plates hit the ground, and fall apart into a million pieces. Sometimes I wish I could do that with my heart. Rip it out, throw it on the ground and break it into a million pieces.

Not necessarily because I want to die, even though those thoughts have been running through my mind but don't worry it won't happen, but because I just wish I could stop feeling. My mind had stopped a long time ago, but my heart couldn't let go. So maybe I needed to let go of it, maybe that was the trick of how to get over him.

I could lie to myself and tell me that I'm over him, that there were all just feelings that I could never let out when he was still here. I could tell myself how I was alright, how I needed to stop acting like a drama queen while everything was alright.

Gosh, I wish thinks were alright. Because the truth is, I will never let go of you. I will never forget you, how painful it might be. You are carved into my thoughts, my mind, my memories, and my body. You won't leave me that quick, Justin. I know I won't leave you too.

You were perfect for me, the man I dreamed of. We could live happily ever after if our souls weren't damaged. I wish I could have fixed you, I truly do. I wished you tried to fix me too, but instead you left me with double the amount of damage and pain a human could carry on their own.

You were the one that slowly started to realize what was going on. I was the one that eventually pulled the trigger for it. I found out, and it was only then, when you realized that you needed to fix me too. Our love wasn't one-sided, even tho it felt like it sometimes. I know you loved me, I know you still love me.

I showed too much and you too little. My heart was too big, my love too much, for your damaged and broken soul to handle. I am sorry that I let it come to this, Justin. I am sorry for everything that had happened. It comes from the bottom of my heart when I tell you that I am so, so sorry. I shouldn't have let it come to this, to make you feel like this. I have always, and I will always, put you first.

I love you.
No matter what.
Until the day I die.