I Love You, Best Friend.

Chapter Twenty Eight

I laid in the water until it got cold, and refilled my wine glass. My head ached as I processed every single possibility in the terrible triangle of love I found myself suffering through. You'd think the decision would be simple, but I was struggling. Cat, I pictured her. Her figure, her voice, some of our memories, our kiss, my feelings. I recalled them and ached from the thought of losing her. She was everything I had wanted for what seemed like forever. On the other hand, Archer. The first man to really hold my heart, and in such a short time. He was great enough to make me like him, despite my being a lesbian before him. I couldn't bare losing him either. I drained the water and sat, shivering, I finished my glass of wine and then got out of the already empty tub. My hair was starting to dry and I could feel the decision becoming clearer in my head. Or maybe the alcohol was confusing me more by the minute. I felt as though I had taken something much greater, and was sinking down. I closed my eyes and wandered through the dark hallway to my bedroom. I changed, and pinned my hair away from my face. I would be grateful for that later, when I was sick at two a.m from the wine. I shut the door behind me and put my boots on. I tugged one, careful foot after the other. I was far too buzzed to drive, but the walk to Cat's was impossibly long. I couldn't ask Archer to bring me, so I decided on driving anyway. I drove under the speed limit and when I got to the door, she surfaced. 

"Thank god," she muttered, "I didn't know when you would come." I injested every word slowly before realizing she was confused. She hugged me tight to her, and got on tip toe. She kissed me and I held her lips before pulling back. She smiled and I felt guilty. 

"Cat," I said slowly, "we have to discuss this." 

"I know," she said, "it's hard on you." 

"It is," I said, "I'm glad you understand." 

"Archer's just not fit for you," she said, "you're lesbian." 

"I was," I said, as she cut me off.

"But, you just kissed me." 

"And you've kissed me before, but you're straight." 

"I was," she said, as I raised a hand to stop her. She understood, and that was the important thing. 

"Cat, I didn't come here to tell you I chose you. I came here to tell you face to face that you had six years to figure out that you wanted me. You had your chance." Her face changed and she backed away from me. Girls, never easy to end things with. Especially if they didn't start. I stepped towards her and she tucked her arms away from me as I reached for her. 

"Leave." She said. I nodded. Her expression was cold, and I knew she meant it. 

"I will," I said. "I just want you to know something before I do." She closed her eyes and I knew that was because she wanted to continue listening to me but didn't want me to know she was actually about to cry. I smiled to myself slightly, knowing she couldn't see me as I finished this. 

"A minute." She said. Tapping her wrist, with her eyes closed still. I sighed heavily. 

"I'll always want you," I said, "maybe not in the same way you want me, but at least now you know how I felt for a firm six years. I love you, Cat. I want you to be happy, and I'm saying this because I absolutely know that I'm not that one that can do that for you. You're not a lesbian, or bisexual. You're confused. You got out of a bad engagement, and you just wanted someone to fill Gavin's-"

"Go." She said loud enough to stop me from finishing my sentence. I knew it hadn't been a minute. I knew she was stopping me because she had heard enough of the proof that this was faulty. She knew that the friendship was going to cave in if I exposed her actions completely, now. That same thought gave me hope. She knew the friendship would collapse and stopped me. Because she wanted to spare it. If I could convince Archer I was about him, and only him. I would feel at rest with the world. I headed back to the apartment. Trying my best to keep from swaying to either side of the road. I checked to see his bike was there when I pulled in. It was. I smiled and breathed in deeply. I walked over, across the lawn. He was smoking a cigarette on the porch. I stood next to him without a word and he held it out to me. I took a long drag and then handed it back.

"Hey," I said in a scratchy voice from the smoke in my lungs.

"Hey," he said back, almost absently and numb. 

"Are you ready to talk, or, should I wait?" I asked him as I watched the clouds shift, into rain clouds. 

"I already know," he said, "I saw the car pull out." I laughed. He looked at me, hurt. 

"You," I said, "Cat. Both so quick to assume."

"What do you mean?" He tacked on, quickly. 

"I mean I went to Cat's house to tell her she had six years to make it official. I loved you in a matter of weeks. I decided I can't lose you. I want you, Archer. All of you, and I think Cat accepts it. Deep down, I think she's going to be okay." I didn't say anything else, because I was swaddled in his arms, and he was swinging me around in his arms until my back was cramping. I laughed, and he set me down to kiss me. He held my face in his hands and kissed my mouth almost visciously. They were hard, and repeatitive. They tasted of cigarettes, and Cat's toothpaste. He stopped, and gasped. I smiled at him and he held me against him. 

"I was so scared," he said, "I didn't want to lose you."

"I couldn't tell." I said. Meaning it. He laughed. I didn't suggest that he should explain, I just listened to the frantic beating of his heart. It calmed me. The storm clouds opened up, and the rain came down. Heavily. It was washing away the terrible pattern we'd fallen into. The terrible past. The feelings. The numb. When the sun came up, and I spotted the rainbow. Everything would be different. It'd be, normal.