16 letters to calum hood

letter one

dear calum,

it has been three months since we last talked. three months since you shattered my heart into millions of pieces. i never thought it would hurt this bad for this long but i break a little more with every moment i am forced to spend without you.

i am so weak. why is this so easy for you? i see all your pictures, you are always smiling. your smile is my favorite thing about you, the way your eyes squint together and your cheeks indent at the edge of your lips, i could never get enough of it. i have never seen a smile as bright as yours. 

when you left you said it was for my own good, that i would be better off without you. i am still trying to understand how this is better. maybe you were lying because you knew there wasn't a place for me in your heart anymore, or that you never actually loved me, but you were too afraid to admit it. i am not sure which one i would prefer. 

but i know you, and i know you would never play me like that, you couldn't even hurt a fly. you are so compassionate and caring, the thought of you lying to me just doesn't make sense.

i think about calling you on a daily basis. i picked up my phone and dial the number i have memorized by heart but i always stop before i could cause anymore damage. hearing your voice would make everything worse. the way you talked always fascinated me because you have a lisp that only appears when you say certain words. there is also a rasp to your voice that can only be heard if you pay close attention. 

there is so much more that i love about you that you probably wouldn't agree with if i told you, but you are perfect. everything about you is. no matter how much i learned about you whether it was that your middle name was thomas or that your body always relaxed under my touch, i could never know enough. every thing about you made me fall more and more in love with you.

i am so sad that you left me because i haven't been able to experience the things i love most about you because you are not here with me. i have been crying everyday because i don't think i can go much longer without you here. you are my favorite person in the world and it kills me that you are not a part of my life anymore. I just wish you would change your mind and come back. 

i love you so much, calum thomas hood.

love,

andi

authors note

here's the first letter for everyone! a new chapter will be up every sunday and wednesday since they are so short. enjoy!