I love you
love is not just a word
it's not cheap
you can say I love you all the time but how many times you really mean it?
love
what's that?
something that is hard to explain
unexplainable
it can make you feel happy
but it also can break your heart
it can make you feel at ease
but it also can change you
love is a short word with a huge meaning
I'm that person who's hard to love someone. my feelings are always complicated, I don't know if I like them or not. maybe I'm scared to fall in love because I know it can hurts you. after you, you show me what's love. you treat me nicely, you care about me and you love me. you make me fall in love with you slowly with all your efforts. at first I want to ignore this feelings but I'm taking a risk anyway. but it's late, I'm too late. I love you at the wrong time.
we have a lot of memories, we did everything together. everything was so beautiful, loving each other every single day like there's no end. planning our future together. remember when we plan that you will work while I'm study and after I've done with my studies I will work hard and get married with you and I'll wait for you no matter what. remember how we plan to decorate our house, how we will fix everything if we fight and what our first child name will be. I will never use that name if it's not with you. that special name.
you love me so hard that I think you poison my brain. I can't stop think about you, everything is about you. I love you too much, even you're by my side I still want you and miss you. I might be crazy. you're in my head, I wish I could pull a trigger on my head. I know I shouldn't be like this I know. it takes a fcking long time for me to be ok you know that don't you? but I know all this will never be ok, someday I will think about it and cry again.
I love you so fcking bad that I don't know what to do anymore. my love for you is huge. you always with me. I love you because you cook an egg for me every morning and make a cold chocolate. I love you because you sleep and cuddle with me, hug me very tight like you will lose me and whenever I can't sleep you always there to count animals for me. I love you because we having a shower together and you make that devil horn hair and I always scold you to wash your back too and wash your hair properly and you always hide your ass because you insecure about it. I love you because we brush teeth together and I still keep your toothbrush that have your name on it with smile face :) I love you because we usually have a little massage before we sleep and you know how much I like that. I love you because you give me a kiss on my cheeks, lips and forehead when you want to go home. I love you because you always left a little notes in my book like "There's no day without you in my mind <3" and draw one eye. I love you because you always tickle me. I love you because you protect me in the crowd, you stand behind me so no one will touch me. I love you because you always bring vanilla latte and lime vanilla ice cream for me. I love you because when I'm sleep you will kiss me and stare at my face for a very long time and you will say something like I love you or good night. I love you because whenever I ignore your message you will email me saying cute things. I love you because you give me a little baby turtle that I name it poof, you said that I can talk anything to poof and poof is allergic to burgers. I love you because I never told you to buy the necklace that I really love but out of blue, not even an important day you bought it for me. I love you because you don't give me present that much but you give me a lot of love and I really love you for that. I love you because when we make love we always whisper to each other that we love each other and you're mine and I'm yours. I love you because the way you kiss me feels like my lips will only accept yours and I will never forget how it feels like. I love you because when I have a nightmare you will hug me tightly like you want to protect me, sometimes you will wake me up and ask "what's wrong I'm here" and that makes me feel safe. I love you because you always take care of me when I'm sick, remind me to drink a warm water and bring me a 100 plus because you know I always drink it when I have a fever. I love you because you always let me lay on your shoulder or your lap in a car and sweet of you, you will hold me whenever the car is break. I love you because you're the only one that have so much patience with me because you know how bad my temper, how fast my mood can swing and how sensitive I am. I love you because you give me a piggy back ride. I love you because you give me a short letter that means a lot to me, there was a time when you don't have a paper you wrote it on a tissue and mcdonald ice cream paper and we make it as a hat for pingu and hedgy. I love you because you always there for me when I'm having a mental breakdown, you give me hopes to live. I love you because you like to draw me naked as you say that you will never forget my touch and sexual drawing is a masterpiece to you. I love you because of everything you have done and because you are you.
there's a lot of reason why I love you. so many unsaid things. now tell me how. tell me how I can live knowing that everything will never be the same anymore. tell me how I can love someone else and not think about you at all. tell me how to not love you again. I know I will never stop.
after all we did. one day, you suddenly change. you don't want us anymore. that day hurts me so bad. that day, I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to exist at all. how? how you can fall out of love just like that? I get it you want your own time. I respect that. but just to let you know, you broke me into pieces. yes we are still best friend and we will stick with each other no matter what and I'm so fcking grateful for that. I'm so so grateful that you didn't leave. we still text everyday but our text are getting dry. we still call but not longer like we used to. we still meet each other but no more feelings. everything is just as a best friend. why you still kiss me? why you still have sex with me? why you still do everything like I'm still yours. you're confusing me. to think it as positive, maybe you still love me a little bit maybe there's a little chance and hope. to think it as negative, maybe just maybe you're just using me for your goods and lust. it hurts. but whatever after all you still want to end it. it's ok, you want your own time. go. catch your dreams. I will be here supporting you always. don't give up ok. but you know what funny? you trying to find your dreams but I'm getting broken, I'm stuck.
what broke me is I lost him. the man that love me, the man that make me happy, make me want to be better and have a beautiful life. I miss him. I miss the way he call me sayang and baby. I can't even call him that anymore. now. I'm broken. I can't be fix anymore. I lose hopes, I'm not strong and I hate myself even more than I used to. I don't have energy to do anything anymore. I literally lost myself again. but this time, it's hard to find it back. maybe it will never be found.
I hope one day you will realize how I truly feel now. I hope one day you will think about how sincere I am and how I treat you with full of love. I hope one day you will not get hurt because someone treat you bad. I hope one day if you decide to love someone else you don't search for me in them. my love for you is not like everyone.
but I still feel sorry. I'm sorry because I always get mad. I have a bad temper. I always think negative. I don't understand you. I'm being too annoying. I always want to call even I know you don't like to call. I'm sorry I don't have a nice body and face. I'm so sorry I'm not good enough.
but please mark my words : I'm always going to be here stick with you no matter what. stick with you through ups and downs. supporting you in whatever you do and accept you for who you are. I want to stay with you until we are old, as a best friend or what I'm going to stay not going anywhere, no matter how far we are. my love is last with you, forever will be. if we're meant to be we will be. see you soon. I love you so much my sayang <3
fck off? fck off.
