Hide me (Crenny)

Bundle of orange

     It was just a normal night for Cartman. His mom was out, leaving him and his cat alone to watch movies and eat junk food all night. The perfect Saturday evening. At least, that was the plan. However, something started to feel off.

   There was an itch in his eyes, something he had grown somewhat familiar with since he was a kid, although it had been a couple weeks since he last felt it... Kenny. Yeah that was it. Kenny was dead. But then that meant...

   He didn't have time to finish his thought when his phone started buzzing. He pulled it out and looked at the caller ID. Craig Tucker. He must have lost his mind by now. Cartman always hated the effects of the amnesia. It was obnoxious to hear people freak out and grieve for the same person over and over again. The amount of funerals he attended was enough for his only nice suit to be worn down and torn within a few months.

   He accepted the call and put the phone to his ear. "Hey Craig, what's up?"

"CARTMAN!"

   Cartman's face fell. That certainly wasn't Craig... or if it was, he went through hormone therapy at a record breaking speed.

   No, it was definitely a girl. A little girl at that.

   "Who is this?" Cartman asked skeptically. She sounded scared, her voice trembling through her words.

   "It's Tricia, Craig's sister," she said quickly. "Kenny's dead! He died and the cops took Karen and she told me to call you and—"

   "Woah woah, calm down," he tried to reassure, "you said Kenny's dead? Like, he's for sure dead? He didn't get caught under some guy's truck and dragged off to Mexico?"

   "He's splattered on the pavement!" She screamed into the phone, her voice so shrill Cartman actually had to pull it away from his ear and flinch.

   When he brought it back, he took a deep breath, pet his cat, and pushing himself off the couch again. "Alright, is Craig with you?"

   "Y-yeah."

   "Good. You guys go home. I'll meet you there as soon as I can."

   He hung up and made his way up to his room. Though this wasn't exactly what he hoped to be doing on his day off, this was Kenny. He could pretend to be a decent person for a night, if only for the sake of that fag.

*  *  *

     Craig barely said a word on the way home, his fingers gripping the steering wheel so tight they turned white. Tricia wanted to comfort him, but truth be told, she had no idea how. Craig was her big brother, someone she'd known her entire life, but this was the first time she'd ever seen him break in such a way.

   When they got home, Lauren had a mouthful to spout. About irresponsibility, and them being late and not calling to check in, but Tricia decided to guide their angry mother inside and explain what exactly happened. The minute the two of them were gone, Cartman appeared from behind the nearby fence. He was dressed in black, with a ski mask and utility belt.

   Craig was almost offended. "What the fuck are you doing?"

   "There's no time to talk! Put this on!" He threw an extra ski mask at Craig, who caught it and looked at it. He then crushed it in his hands and shot a piercing glare at the fat bastard.

   "What the fuck are you doing?" He repeated, his voice breaking slightly.

   Cartman sighed and rolled his eyes. He forgot about that part. Craig was clueless.

   "Listen Craig, Kenny doesn't die."

   "What?"

   Cartman pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling like Stan talking to literally any adult in this town. "I don't know why exactly, I'm pretty sure it has something to do with H.P. Lovecraft, but whatever it is, Kenny regenerates. He dies in the most gruesome ways imaginable, and then he's reborn. He's home right now, and I need you to go get him, because he can't help himself right now."

   "Why should I believe a word you say?" Craig asked, narrowing his eyes at the sociopath.

   Cartman mimicked his untrusting expression. "Kenny's in trouble. You're just gonna have to trust me."

   Craig wanted to take the logical route. Kenny was dead, end of story. It was the hard truth... but then again, what if it wasn't? What would Cartman have to gain from lying? Amusement? Possibly...

   "Fine," he caved, "let's just go."

   "Great. You head to Kenny's house, I'll come get you in an hour or two."

   "Hold on," Craig stopped, "where are you going?"

   Cartman was already jogging off in a different direction, so he had to turn around to answer. "I gotta get Karen! We'll be there in a few!"

   Craig looked down at the ski mask. This whole thing was absolutely insane.

*  *  *

     The police were just leaving the McCormick household when Craig arrived. The mask was itchy on his face, but he was able to ignore it.

   As he watched the policeman exchange his final words with the parents, Craig could already sense that something wasn't right. His parents seemed almost too calm, like they weren't even grieving about their son that had passed only a few hours ago. Of course, the cops were too dumb to catch on to this. Stupid South Park police force.

   When they were gone and the McCormicks had retreated back into their low budget home, Craig decided to walk along side the house, carefully following the couple from the windows until they finally entered a room covered in posters of girls in bikinis or other skimpy attire.

   Kenny.

   They pulled the blanket down from the bed, revealing a small being in an oversized orange parka. Carol reached into the coat and picked the infant up. Craig was trembling by now. Kenny was reborn. He was truly immortal.

   "Make sure you lock his door," Stuart grunted, before pausing and looking back at the window. Craig hit the dirt, breathing heavily into his hand. "On second thought, maybe we should move him to the bathroom, where there aren't any windows."

   Carol rolled her eyes. "You just go to bed, Stuart. I'll watch over him if you're so paranoid."

   Stuart glared at his wife, but put up no argument and retreated to his own bedroom. Carol then wrapped the baby in the parka and made her way to the window. She opened it and looked to the ground to see Craig, gloves hand over mouth to muffle his intense breathing. Carol gave him a reassuring smile, and lifted the orange bundle to him. Craig took it easily, before carefully standing up and mouthing "thank you."

   He ran off into the night, gripping baby Kenny to his chest.

**************************************************************************

   So I live in Ohio, and literally everything is closing down here. We're not officially quarantined, but we might as well be, there's no reason for anyone to leave the house. But I guess I can't complain. No school for the next few weeks, if not possibly for the rest of the years.
   In all seriousness, I'm confident this whole thing will blow over. Just wash your hands and be careful around the old/sick people in your life. You'll be fine.

   Got any funny doomsday prepping stories? My mom bought a bunch of mop pads and said that's what we're using for toilet paper now. 😬