Entry #12050104001305

Why Is Everything So Hard?

When Jay awoke the next morning, his head throbbed with a splitting headache. Rolling onto his left side, he nearly came out of his skin as he came face to face with Tim. Jolting back, Jay immediately began trying to think of what had happened the night before. He remembered hearing a loud crash and running out into the living room but he had to focus his thoughts to come up with what had happened afterwards.

A man in a hood... He had shown up. Tim had talked to him - though little talking was actually involved - and after discussing something, the hooded man had left. Tim's alternate personality had done something too. There was something he had tried to tell Jay, though Jay wasn't sure he had fully understood the meanings behind the gesture.

Once the two had been left alone, Tim had sat motionless for nearly an hour. Jay could only assume he was thinking about something, considering he didn't even react when Jay talked to him or gathered up his courage to touch him. After taking some Ibuprofen to soothe his aching back, Jay had laid down on Tim's bed. With his alter in control and preoccupied, it didn't seem like Tim would need the bed for the night.

Jay's eyes fluttered and eventually closed, opening what felt like moments later to find Tim standing beside the bed and staring at him. Half asleep, Jay jerked up, hunching over and rubbing his eyes.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "I'll go sleep on the couch."

Before he could get up, the bed space in front of him dipped with the extra weight of another person. Though he had just been asleep, Jay was instantly more awake than ever. Still dressed in his jeans and t-shirt, Tim slowly laid back, propping his foot up on the pillow that remained at the foot of the bed.

"Are you sure you don't want me to..." Jay trailed off as a hand was set on top of his. Laying on his side, Jay stared wide-eyed at the man laying on his back beside him. Tim didn't even look at him, acknowledging him only by awkwardly hooking one of his fingers around one of Jay's.

"Here," Jay said as he maneuvered their hands so that their fingers were laced, his heart racing. It seemed Tim was perfectly fine with touching his accomplice, especially since that was their form of communication. However, when it came to unnecessary, expressive physical contact, "Tim" was completely lost. That would make sense, Jay decided, considering Jay was the only non-cryptic person he had to converse with and, as far as Jay could tell, share his affection with. Nevertheless, Jay knew it was wrong to do such a thing without Tim's true consent, but his alter was consenting and that was what really mattered at the moment.

The two laid in absolute silence for several minutes but Jay found sleep hard to come by. Maybe it was because Tim was still wearing the mask, or maybe it was because they were touching in a purposeful way. Regardless of the reason, he knew he wouldn't be falling back to sleep easily.

After several long moments of thinking over his next sentence, Jay finally said, "You know, you can take your mask off. If that'll help you sleep."

Tim's previously relaxed hand tensed up at the suggestion.

"I already know who you are," Jay blurted, not sure if that was the right thing to say. When he wasn't immediately attacked, he added, "That doesn't... Change anything? I guess?"

No response.

Jay let out an annoyed chuckle. "I'm not really sure what to say."

The body beside him turned just enough so that he could see the eyes behind the plastic mask staring at him. Finally, a hand came up and removed the mask before carefully setting it on the bedside table. When Tim turned back to Jay, the cameraman felt a sense of relieved confusion.

He knew Tim and the masked man were the same person, but when he took the mask off, Jay still expected to see someone else. As if, perhaps, Tim had disappeared. Of course, Tim had disappeared; his body was still there, but he himself was temporarily out of commission. Seeing Tim's face blank without the sparkle of recognition or the usual sarcastic nature he held was a harsh reminder and Jay felt tears sting the back of his eyes and a lump form in his throat. Still, he forced a small smile.

"Is that better?" Jay asked, his voice weak with barely restrained emotion.

Instead of receiving a nod or another symbol pressed into his skin, Tim's eyes stared hard at Jay before a hand came up to push the hair in front of his eyes out of the way. Jay was caught off guard by the action and the tears in his eyes began to blur his vision. Clenching his jaw, the cameraman forced himself to withhold his emotions. He would not cry, not in front of Tim (or whoever he was at the moment) for such a dumb reason.

"You should get some rest," Jay finally managed once he'd forced his voice to steady. Tim remained still for a moment longer before turning back so that he was staring at the ceiling. Jay watched as his eyes oh so slowly closed and his breathing began to level out. When Jay was sure Tim was asleep, he felt himself relax, his muscles slowly unclenching as his eyelids closed.

Squeezing the hand that still grasped his, Jay didn't think about what he would say to Tim in the morning.