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Ten:

tyler's pov//:

i woke up around 3am ish, due to my insomnia. it especially hits when i'm worried about something or in this case, someone. riley was typing on her phone for at least an hour and i saw the pain in her eyes. even when she cries she's still so pretty. i think of what to do to help her, but i don't even know what's going on. maybe if i take a look at what she was writing? no that's wrong. invasion of privacy is not okay. she'd kill me if she found out. i end up making the decision to grab her phone, use her thumb to unlock it and read. for her.

so yesterday, i had a really great date with tyler. we became official, which made me really happy. then my ex decided to snitch and tell my brothers friend, who also snitched to brice and now i'm fucked. i did. do a bit of damage to logan (my ex) when i punches him, but that was not enough. the amount of pain he put me through is unbearable, and now he's just doing it to be a dick. long story short, brice flipped out, i ran from my problems again and went home. i swear that yesterday, i was so angry i was ready to rip my hair out, or someone's head off. this whole situation makes me just want to scream. it's crazy how someone can turn from the love of your life, into a stranger overnight.

for the longest time, logan was it for me. i couldn't picture myself with anyone else but him. i cant belive that at one point, i was happy with him. then i was given screenshots, and photo evidence that the evil, slimy bastard was cheating. my whole world broke into a million pieces and i thought i wasn't enough. well, i know i'm not enough. but i'm just glad the girl had the integrity to tell me after she found out. she told me they were together for a year (and by that i mean fucking on the dl) and somehow that wasn't a hint that he had a real relationship. i never told brice about it, because i knew they knew each other well and we agreed not to tell brice we were even together because there was never a need to. brice and i had our own private lives and we grew apart. logan and i just told him that we were really close friends, and he believed it. i then find out, almost four months out of the relationship, he also had a college girlfriend for three years. for all i know he could have cheated the whole time i dated him.

when i found out he cheated, i resorted to the only thing i knew how to do. cut. i slit my wrists, thighs, and there blood everywhere on my body. i had one attempt to take my life not to long ago, after the breakup and i was hospitalized for a week. my mom swore secrecy to not tell brice, because i knew he'd never let me go to college, or he'd fail so he could graduate with me to keep a close eye on me. my damn anti depressants didn't do much, except numb the physical and emotional pain, which only made me cut deeper. after the second attempt (which nobody knows about) i decided i had to get my life in order and let my scars clear up for the summer, and college. i didn't want anyone thinking that i'm weak, or seeing the weakness inside of me so i had no other choice. sometimes instead of cutting, i just hit my head hard on the wall, or try to temporarily injure my hand or something minor to ease the pain. killing myself does t seem like a bad idea right now. all the painful me pries flooding back doesn't give me a purpose to live anyways.

the part the also hurts more is that brice doesn't want me to be with tyler, he hates his whole friend group. i know he has bad blood with anders which i get, but he has no reason to hate jack, anna and tyler. no. reason. at. all. i know he doesn't like jack, because he used to deal and one of his friends overdosed (on purpose) but jack didn't even deal that stuff to him. brice also told me about anna and her parents suicide, but that doesn't define a human being based on past experiences and he's just genuinely terrified of tyler. brice openly admitted to it too! he said he saw his fights, and how easily he won. how bad his anger is and to be honest, the people brice talks about. well, i don't know who they are. they certainly aren't my friends. i may not have seen all their sides, but i know very damn well brice hasn't either. maybe we know different parts to those people. it kills me inside that brice doesn't want me to be around them, because i know they're good people, no matter what brice says.

after i saw him, i just felt empty. i still can't shake the feeling of knowing that brice is still mad at me. i feel farther from him as ever and i'm not okay with it. how could i be after all that? it sucks even more because all this is giving me flashback to when i attempted to kill myself. i was a dark place, but i had the right idea. the only thing that's ever stopped me from killing myself was my friends and family. i know they would have been devastated, so i had no choice. another reason i stopped myself is because i'm basically everyone's shoulder to cry on. before college, i was the 'friend to all' type of girl, and sometimes the punching bag. i took everyone's shit for years because i didn't want to make a scene. i even a had toxic friend, who told every guy she talked to about her suicidal thoughts. within the entire 10 people in my friend group, about only 2 people knew. so in my whole school, 3 people knew i was cutting. it was my two close girl friends, and logan. he caught me one day during math class and he saw my sleeve slip down. i saw a faint but of hurt that day, but i know for a fact he never gave a shit about me, or anyone to that matter.

before tyler, i feel like i had no purpose. if i never moves into a dorm with him, he'd probably be dating another girl. it kills me to picture someone else in my place. even when i'm having a shit day, or my mental health goes back down underground, all i have to do is think about him and i feel all better.  i don't even care if tyler ends up breaking my heart, it's already broken and it would be worth it. i've never felt so at home with him. logan's so called 'love' is nothing compared to tyler. with him, it's a whole new set of feelings that i can't even explain.

i don't give a shit that logan is trying to sabotage my relationship, because he's pissed that i'm happy and he isn't. i get it though, i wouldn't want to see another girl making him happy. the asshole doesn't deserve it. looking back, i don't know how i ever thought i was in love with him. what i had with logan was toxic, weird and i got random bullshit from people saying shit about him all the time. i knew we weren't going to last, which is why when he told me 'he wanted me forever', i never believed him. i knew he didn't actually want me forever, and that shit was just lies. 

no matter how shit logan made me feel, i'll never forget how i handled it. suicide is, and already will be a way out.

tyler is telling me to go to bed. i probably should, i need the rest.

damn. if that's really how she feels about all this i would have been nicer to her. it's probably all my fault. i shut off her phone and plug it in, to erase all traces of me being there. i lay down into my bed and try to fall asleep, but my mind keeps wandering back to riley. i can't let her kill herself, i just can't. i'm not willing to lose her, and if she needs help and support i will do that for her. i'll do anything to make her stay, even though we just met. i know i'm in love with her. i know she's in love with me. that's all that matters. she's all that matters to me. if she doesn't get better, i won't either. i'll do anything to make her stay. but she has to be happy, or there's no point. that's it. i'm determined to make her happy for the rest of her life. i'm gonna marry her.