Part 85
There weren't tears streaming down my face. My eyes were dry and everything seemed okay.
I hate lying. I hate it when I'm completely honest, too. I hate putting obligations on people, I hate making them feel guilty. But every time I swallow my truth, it haunts me. It takes away a piece of me until there's nothing left.
I didn't wanna tell him what was bothering me since the beginning of our relationship, I tried to push it at the back of my mind.
Because all throughout, he was so securing. I didn't doubt him for one second. Hindi niya ako binibigyan ng rason para magduda at hindi ko na rin kailangan pakinggan ang bulong ng takot ko.
He keeps on putting so much effort for our relationship to work, it wasn't that easy. But he made it seem so easy just so I wouldn't worry.
I trust Paul, but then, I chose to trust my fears, too. They were never wrong.
That with the news of another woman, I became easily terrified.
The voices, the nightmares, and the false promises began to haunt me one by one. As if it wasn't that agonizing enough, it had to be gradual. They were so powerful I couldn't function.
Hinding-hindi ko kayo iiwan ng mommy mo.
Nasa volleyball team siya, Canary. Malamang magkikita kami lalo na sa gym.
Umiiwas naman ako. Nilalayuan ko siya.
Mahal ko kayo ni Canary, Chandria. Hindi ko kayo ipagpapalit.
I gasped for air. The spiral of my own annihilation kept reeling me deeper 'til I drown.
It was always like that whenever my mom leaves for work and I am left all alone. I couldn't think straight.
Para akong tinatangay ng malalaking alon parati at wala akong ibang magagawa kung 'di magpadala sa agos.
My fears were greater than anything else no matter how hard I try to defeat it.
"Canary?" Tawag ng isang boses.
Para naman akong hinugot pabalik sa kasalukuyan mula sa mga iniisip ko.
I squinted my eyes a little because everything was a blur.
"Paul?" I said breathlessly.
What is he doing here?
Unti-unti ay luminaw ang paningin ko at ilang beses akong kumurap.
Hindi ako makapaniwala sa nakikita ko. Hindi rin naman siguro ako nananaginip 'di ba?
"Nandito na ako," sabi niya. I shivered with the touch of hand on my skin.
It was warm, and this is real.
"Nandito na ako," he repeated again, this time in a wavering voice.
I smiled, leaning my face on his touch. His thumb was gently running along my cheek and I couldn't help myself from shedding a tear.
"I'm sorry," my voice broke.
"Shh..."
"I'm sorry, Paul. I didn't mean to—"
"Tama na, hindi mo kasalanan," pagputol niya sa akin.
Huminga ako nang malalim at napapikit din ako nang maramdaman ko ang labi niya sa noo ko.
And it's as if it was the everything I'm waiting for, my tears automatically streamed down my face.
But this time, I was able to breathe.
