The Christmas Wish

Chapter 5

Thomas couldn't keep his eyes off of Jimmy and not because he was lost in that beautiful trance. Something was wrong. It was all too obvious that Jimmy didn't sleep very that night, neither did Thomas, but he knew how to hide the tired look. Jimmy, however, did not. Thomas looked away with regret. He shouldn't have kissed Jimmy. He felt so much for Jimmy and wanted to be his, but that was all gone now. Jimmy would never be friends with him ever again.

But he kissed back...no, he didn't...did he?

Thomas questioned it a lot. He was so lost in the kiss last night, he couldn't really tell if Jimmy was as lost or if he was afraid. What Thomas did was illegal and if Jimmy mentioned it to anyone, Thomas would no doubt be thrown out onto the streets or worse, prison with Mr. Bates.

"You alright, Mr. Barrow," Alfred asked, drawing Thomas out of his fearsome thoughts.

"I'm fine," Thomas answered, "Thank you, Alfred."

Alfred nodded then returned to his breakfast. Thomas looked back over at Jimmy who didn't even look up. He was slowly eating a piece of toast, completely lost in his own thoughts.

Oh I wish I could take it back.

Suddenly Thomas thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of bells. He silently groaned then made his way up the stairs.

Throughout the day it seemed as if Jimmy was avoiding Thomas, or at least trying to find as things to keep him tremendously busy. As each hour went by, a piece of Thomas's heart fell apart. He wanted to talk to Jimmy about it, to tell him it was a mistake and that he didn't mean to cause harm. It's all he wanted to say and just ask for forgiveness if Jimmy was able.

"Mr. Barrow," Mrs. Hughes said as she entered the servants hall where Mr. Barrow sat alone, "I was wondering if I could speak with you a moment."

"Of course," Thomas said. He stubbed out his cigarette and followed Mrs. Hughes into her sitting room. She closed the door then offered him a seat which he gladly accepted. She pored two cups of tea then handed one of them to Thomas as she sat down with the other.

"Now," she began, "I'd like it if you told me what really is troubling you. Did you and James have a fall out?"

Thomas looked confused then shook his head.

"No, Mrs. Hughes," Thomas answered as he took a sip of the warm tea.

"Are you sure," She pressed on, "You two have been inseparable for the past week and now you two won't even look at each other. Did something happen, Thomas. I want to help."

Thomas smiled then shook his head as tears began to form.

"I don't think you can," He said, "You'd think I'm disgusting and...wrong...Just like Jimmy does."

"Oh I doubt Jimmy thinks anything like that, Thomas. He didn't seem disgusted or angry, but...sad...as do you."

Thomas couldn't keep the tears from falling and let them slip down his cheeks.

"I...," He began, "I kissed him."

"Oh my," Mrs. Hughes, "I see now, and just so you know I think nothing of the sort of you being disgusting as the world goes to call you. To be quite honest, I'm not truly surprised."

Thomas looked up at her in confusion.

"In fact, I'm quite relieved. I know it must be hard being who you are and it all really makes sense now. I'm not disgusted, and I'm sure James isn't either."

"How can you be so sure," Thomas said looking back down at the floor.

"Because a disgusted person would look at you with disgust and anger, James looks at you with sadness in his eyes."

Thomas looked back up.

Andrew. You were his angel, weren't you.

"He may be scared is all," Mrs. Hughes continued on, "You are not afraid to fight for who you are, perhaps you can show him its alright."

Thomas slightly smiled then nodded.

"But...he won't even speak to me," Thomas said, "He's been avoiding me all day."

"I've seen," she said, "but he can't avoid you forever, Thomas. Not when you live right across the hall from one another. He'll have to speak with you about it. This...isn't something that can be swept under the rug."

Thomas nodded once more.

"You're right," Thomas said, "But what if I have to force the issue."

"Then force it," she said, "Force may be the only way you'll ever speak again."

Thomas smiled then stood up and set the cup of tea on the table.

"Thank you, Mrs. Hughes," Thomas said as she rose to stand. She smiled and nodded.

"I'm here to help," she said, "If there is anything you ever need to speak with me about, please, Thomas, you know where to find me."

Thomas nodded then left the room with a smile. He was confident. Strange how Mrs. Hughes had that effect on people. Suddenly he caught Jimmy walking down the stairs in his dinner livery. He quickly approached so Jimmy could not get away. Jimmy, very surprised by Thomas, slightly jumped and looked at him wide eyed at first but they slowly eased into a gentle look.

"We need to talk," Thomas said sternly.

"I can't now," Jimmy said, eager to flee, but Thomas kept himself in front of Jimmy's path.

"I know, but later, after dinner. We have to talk about last night, Jimmy. Just meet me in my room later after dinner and we'll talk then, please."

Jimmy bit his lip then looked back at Thomas then nodded.

"Alright," Jimmy said, "but...how about you just...come to my room."

Thomas softened up slightly.

"Of course," He said, "What ever makes you more comfortable, but we need to talk."

Jimmy nodded then smiled at Thomas. The smile was one Thomas waited nearly all day to see.

"Thank you, Jimmy," Thomas said as he stood out of the way. Jimmy nodded once more then walked into the kitchen. Thomas was now both anxious and afraid. He swore to himself that he would not mess tonight up.

We can forget about it all. Just pretend it never happened.

Only...it did happen, and you know you can never forget it.