A Dream of a Long Winter

2: 'Love the house and its crow'

I couldn't help but to look back at the small figure of the child, standing ever so still in the center of the village.

She was only a girl who was given the wretched fate of being born into a world that was against her... and she was Daji's only daughter. A part of me wanted to run back and take her away to Mount Kunlan, but I knew the fox clan was no place for a half blooded child. She would only meet misery. Both sides of her blood would shun her, whether it be spirit or mortal. 

Perhaps the humans would be fooled long enough so that Xian could live peacefully.

As I departed, the only sounds I could hear were the girl's mournful cries. "Sister!" she would shout, as if we were truly family. The little girl would follow me and cling to my leg, crying so pitifully if I even stepped a bit too far. Xian did not even shed a tear for her own mother, yet cried for a bitter fox like me. How could I ever take her as my own, when she never knew Daji? How could I take care of a child born from the very person that took her away? The answer was simple. I couldn't.

Yet her tears softened my heart, and her innocence was an antidote to my sorrow.

I remember the day the girl turned four years old. She was like a budding flower... Weak to the harsh weather, but somehow still thriving in the wintry hills of Qi. I hated her red eyes the most. They were a product of a birth that only brought misfortune, and they were the cause of Daji's struggle. 

But she looked just like she did when we were young. Perhaps that was why I was so cold to her, yet also so forgiving.

Xian never received her name until that day, since I was growing tired of calling her "you". It was a meaningless name. Naming a creature brought forth attachment, and I knew better than that. In my heart, Daji would return and take back her ugly offspring. If I named it, wouldn't I become more than just a caretaker?

Her eyes brightened when I bestowed her a title, and for a moment I swore I could see the stars in them. Xian hugged me with her small hands and followed me outside eagerly into the cold. The awestruck looks she gave me... I truly couldn't stand them. She trailed in my shadow like a lost cub, and clung to my legs whenever a shadow passed by.

What a weak thing, I thought in disgust. How could Daji give birth to such a coward?

So I ordered her to go outside in the snow alone from that day on, in the hope she would become independent. At four, the young of the fox clan already knew how to hunt. Even a half-blood should still have some talent.

But instead Xian frolicked outside, building silly little sculptures and rolling around like a bug. I was enraged. After providing her food for four years, she needed to learn to be self-sufficient. So in the next month, I brought her outside everyday and showed her how to kill the most basic of prey.

I remember holding up a bloody rabbit in my claws, and forcing her to skin it. She cried in such terror that even I was taken aback. So I tried a different approach.

Instead of using my bare hands, I showed her a trap to catch small game. Xian looked at the animal I captured with big eyes and asked, "Can I keep it, sister? It's so cute!"

I cursed Daji again and again for bringing such a dumb creature into the world, but I still gave up. So instead of hunting, Xian played to her heart's content and I... I took walks.

I'm not sure where or how a bond grew between the child and I, but somehow I found it hard to let go. Her hands were always so warm as they grasped mine. It was a warmth that I couldn't help but to grow fond of.

I bit down on my lip, the salty yet metallic taste pulling me from my memories. In the end, my decision was final. Even though the child had immortal blood flowing through her body, a mortal could only be a mortal in the end. She would live the same amount of years a human would, and die the same death a human would. The timeless Mount Kunlan closed its doors to those, and I was not going to return home with such a burden.

And so I embarked on a homeward journey, subconsciously sealing my heart from memories of the little girl I spent eight years with among the forest. I only prayed Daji would forgive me for my selfishness, and that Xian would find a family that could truly love her.

The rough dirt paths in northern Qi were hardly traveled, and a fresh snow was falling from the sky. All was quiet, and fields of white spread far as the eye could see. The trees that guarded the empty roads stood tall and bare, withered beyond recognition. I breathed in the cool air, holding my head high as I walked forward. 

What was left for me here? There was nothing holding me from leaving, yet despite that, my eyes wandered back to the dim village lights in the distance. 

I wondered if she was alright. 

With a hesitation I couldn't explain, my steps slowed to a stop. The moment was fleeting though, and soon my pace quickened once more.

It had been so long since I left this area, that I knew not where to go. The fox clan laid in the far north, hidden from human eyes and other spirits' ire. It was dangerous but I could follow the tallest mountain in the distance and hope to be led back.

With eyes set on my goal, I began to make the trek back home. Night had swept across the horizon and the stars seemed to shine brighter as I progressed. The snow crunched under my footsteps, and the jingle of coins in my pouch became my only accompaniment. Such a lonely trip was something I would get used to, I told myself. Or rather, I tried to convince myself. But the dull throbbing in my chest only grew stronger as I proceeded further and further into the night.