in too deep | [REWRITING]

47| An unsent email from Evelyn Reyes (100K special)

To: masonstewart23@gmail.com

Subject: the words i will never say out loud.

Hey,

I wrote this while I was trying to sleep but I just couldn't. Too many thoughts, too many expectations, too many dreams and butterflies keep me awake, most importantly butterflies.

It's not like you don't give me any of them. But my own butterflies are black, ugly and they are just not beautiful. Fortunately, you like them. I still can't figure out how you do.

Some days, I can't stand myself. These days, I leave you alone with your tired smile, your "it's gonna be okay" promises and your constant attempt to reach me and understand me. I leave you alone when I get devoid of emotion. I leave you alone when I feel too much of them.

Some days, I stay. These days are the best days. We laugh, we fight, we dance, we cook, we sing, we make disasters, we create chaos and among all the other things, we smile and we love. I see the twinkle of your eyes while you see mine. My face splits wide with a grin and your dimples are too conspicuous to miss.

Some days, you need space. Your eyes become grey and your line of stubble visible, your hair untamed. You can't eat, you can't breathe, you can't sleep. When you sleep, you don't dream.

Some days, you hide behind my shadow. You hold me too tight to forget all your nightmares that haunt you relentlessly. You hold my hand like an anchor keeping you at the bay of reality. You listen to my heartbeat, you hear the rhythm of my breathing to forget your own.

You leave some days. You create your own space. When the space gets too wide and it eats you up, you come back to me.

Some days, you lend me your smiles. When it's too much for me, you laugh on my behalf. You fight off my nightmares with your strong arms. You stay awake and read me your stories. You borrow me your dreams. When it rains, you tell me you will find me a rainbow.

So, tonight, when I can't sleep, I hear your soft breathing. I watch the small rise and fall of your chest underneath your favorite white t-shirt. I close my eyes and find your hand beside mine, empty, waiting to be entwined with mine. I close my eyes and try to steady my breath but my butterflies make it hard and they soar out of me with their wings, leaving my body. When they are completely gone, I wipe my eyes and try a weak smile. I lay down beside you, wrap my arms around you and inhale the same air you breathe. In the morning I wake up smiling to the smell of the coffee you made for me.

Love,
Evelyn

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