The Notes From "M" (COMPLETED - UNDER REWRITE)

Chapter 1

Grief. Sadness. Heartache. I hid this from the world. Tears make you weaker, they say. I have to agree: I have no other option. After what happened, hiding who I really am is my only hope.
I stare down at my phone as the screen lights up. The time 11:55 glares back up at me as I read the pop up. Another useless app notification. Ugh.
I know I shouldn't be waiting like this, but I want to fill the hole so badly. I know I shouldn't waste my life like this, but what other choice do I have? This is all I know.
This is my third night without sleep. What's its use anyway? I don't want my nightmares to repeat, so I won't let it. Simple.

***

Tomorrow is my first day at school. To say I'm nervous would be a complete understatement; my heart races as I think of all the possible disasters that could occur. My mind's a blur of thoughts and images. Yet all I could think of was her. Clinging onto the past is the only future I have.
I know that I should sleep, but demons haunt me, taunt me- all the time. If I allowed myself that small luxury, who knows what chaos would reign.
Desperation sets in as I curl up in my hard, wooden chair. Anything to stop the mind tricks, I beg. I look up as I feel something touch my leg, hoping against all odds that it wasn't a spider. Thankfully, it was only my long, brown hair. My exausted state can't deal with all this stress.
Before I moved here, I was always known for my "positive attitude" as they would put it. They would call me the "hard worker" and the "backbone of the group". Terrified to disappoint, I obeyed, and I continued to strive for perfection. I was not perfect, no where near infact: but they didn't know that. I intended to keep it that way. A smile and a decent grade can go a long way.
I gaze at my arms; tiny white scars litter the underlying of my wrists. Memories from the pain I felt, and still feel. People wonder why I have a lot of concealer, yet they never find the true use. After a rocky debate in my head, I slowly slip into the subconscious realm of sleep.

***

My heart pounded in my chest. My muscles ached from the lactic acid building up in them. Yet I didn't feel anything through the thick coat of adrenaline I was wearing.
Left, left, right. That is all I can focus on as I sprint down dark corridors. Regretting my last decision, I face the dead end. I was trapped with no escape. Not again. I keep facing the wall as I felt the hot breath on my neck. Despite this, goosbumps set along my arms, hairs standing on end. I feel the claws reaching up under my thin shirt.
"Not again, please, not again," is all I can scream as I relive the memory.
"Anything. I'll do anything. But please, not again!" I silent start to sob.
Sitting bolt upright, I awake to the blaring of my alarm. Thankfully, I remembered to set it last night. I knew this would happen. How could I let myself fall asleep like that?
Grudgingly I change into my school uniform, pulling on my blazer overtop. My new blazer. This all feels weird, like I'm a cat in a dog's world. I won't fit in here.
I glance at the clock, which reads 6:45 am. After picking up my bag, I head downstairs, shutting the door on the way out of my room.
I head out of my house a little while later, skipping breakfast of course. Walking in the sunrise to my new school, I head down the old pavements by the cracked road. Not a new place, this. In contrast, though, my new school stood ahead. With its gleaming gates and freshly polished windows, the impressive buildings stood infront of me, daring me to enter. I take that dare. It's a dare after all.
Before I step inside, I spare myself a look at the view of the sun rising. It's long golden rays reached out to every crevice, waking people up for the day. The angle of the orb made it so that the light casted long shadows on the ground. Everywhere a warm orange glow hung in the air, luring a false sense of security. Orange leaves on the tall trees nearby swayed gently to the soft rhythm of the breeze, like a slow heartbeat at daybreak. For once I felt at peace with the world, and it felt at peace with me.
Tearing my eyes away from the scene, I looked back at Beach Rise High's door. My own reflection cast a look of disgust at me as my hand lay on the handle. Amber eyes stared me down as my long treacle brown hair flowed in the breeze. For a moment, I didn't recognize the mirror image of the person infront of me.
Could I do this? I had to, but that doesn't mean I want to. Decisions, decisions.
Eventually I push down hard on the door handle, wrenching it open. The lady at the receptionist's desk greeted me with a kind smile, one which I returned politely.
Walking up to her, I masked my nerves behind a sheet of smiles.
"Hey, excuse me, do you mind giving me my timetable and map? I'm new here you see," I spoke after discreetly mustering up the courage to say something.
"Your Jade Ashley aren't you?" The lady replied.
"Yes, I am, miss,"
" Great! Here's your new time table and map, I'll give you a quick tour before the bell rings. Ask any questions you please to as we take a stroll!" Wow this woman was already getting on my short tempered nerves. Why does she have to be so cheerful?
"Sure thing, miss."

***

As we walked around, one set of rooms caught my eye. The art rooms. Of course, how predictable. Inside the gates of heaven opened to me. Shelves upon shelves of art utensils were stacked tall, so high that I couldn't reach the top. And I wasn't short. Palettes filled with dry paint pleased me for some unknown reason, perhaps because it shows that someone had so much fun painting, that they simply forgot? I have no idea. The receptionist seemed to notice my starry gaze.
"Do you enjoy art, then?" She questioned me
"Only a bit," I lied. I loved art so much, it was as if my soul mas made of paint. I wish. I looked down at my timetable... And yes! I had art & design right before lunch. I couldn't believe my luck.
We finished the tour without any questions from me. I honestly just wanted to be away from that cheerful mess of a human being.